Only Necrophiliacs Could Be Attracted To Lindsay Lohan

This entry was posted on Nov 26 2011

The holiday season draws near, folks. You know, Christmas, the one that matters. I’m sure you’re all starting to put together your lists too, right? No, not the list of presents you plan on asking for, but rather the list of people that you feel obligated to buy things for. Every year I put together my list. It consists of very close family members and a close circle of friends. Oh, and in the margins are monetary caps for each person. I’m not made of money, people. Each year, depending on my income and how that person has wronged me, I write next to their name a number. The number represents how much money I feel they are worth. It’s a system that has yet to fail me and one I plan on passing down to my children and grandchildren. I desperately want to keep the seasonal tradition of stingy nepotism going for years to come.

Listen, just because we’re adults and no longer write the gifts we want down in a cute list format doesn’t mean we don’t think about it. There’s definitely a few things I’ve had my eye on for quite some time. I hope my name comes with a generous monetary cap on my friends’ obligatory shopping lists, because I’m a damn good friend and I do not act that way for free. However, a recent (months ago) news article caught my attention and made me think of a new kind of list. A list of things I would NEVER want to see, except… perhaps after alcohol and severe morbid curiosity have their way with each other. I mean, then who could blame me? Alright, enough teasing at your cock-strings. Lindsay Lohan is posing for Playboy.

Can't wait...

I can’t think of anything I’d rather see less. It’s a tough one. Think about it. I mean, if we were talking about Mean Girls or Herbie: Fully Loaded era Lindsay, I’d say tear those clothes off (relax, she was legal… I think)! But we’re talking about post-I Know Who Killed Me Lindsay… We’re talking about seemingly endless cocaine and alcohol abuse, paired with countless prison sentences (that came conveniently with subsequent early releases, thanks to “overpopulation”). I have literally never seen this kind of physical deterioration before. I have never seen a person let themselves go like this. Ever. She was gorgeous. She possessed a near perfect body, amazing curves, and a beautiful face. And somehow really ruined it. No, the word “ruined” doesn’t do justice to what she did to herself. She shouldn’t be charged with drug and alcohol abuse, she should be charged with crimes against humanity for stealing away her good lucks from society!

Just her skin, man. She looks like she has scales. She looks slimy. She looks terrible. So, there’s the question: what is Hugh Hefner thinking? Has he lost his goddamn mind? Of course not. The man knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows this country is in tough economical times. Sales of his magazine are down and it’s time for something drastic. Why do we even need Playboy anymore? It’s 2011. I couldn’t imagine jerking off to paper images of naked women anymore. Internet porn is free and depraved. So, why Lindsay Lohan? Well, it’s that very depravity. We’re in a recession. We’re drunk and depressed. Our tastes have changed. We want to be disgusted. It’s the morbid curiosity aspect of nature. It’s exactly the reason we all watched Two Girls, One Cup. At first everyone was simply tricked into watching it, but eventually people started to watch it all on their own, for no good reason. We didn’t know why we were watching it for the seventh, eighth, or ninth time, we just knew that we were in the mood to be repulsed.

So, considering society’s newfound addiction to degradation and revulsion, I present to you my top ten list of things I would NEVER normally want to see, but have some sick and twisted need deep down in the bowels of my being that forces me to view them. It’s basic morbid curiosity. When the movies Saw and Hostel first came out I had absolutely zero desire to see them. I wasn’t big into horror movies to begin with, but essentially I was scared to see something that I might not be able to erase from my mind. But eventually I watched them, too drawn to the idea of limbs being sawed off and guts pouring out of open orifices. Anyway… I don’t know. Yuck.

Maybe not the greatest tattoo in the world, but definitely top two.


(the closer to number one it is, the more disgusting it must be)

10 ) Seeing either one of my homosexual friends have sex with another dude

9 )    Two Girls, One Cup (only tricked into it once, and didn’t get past 20 seconds)

8 )    Graphic Midget Porn

7 )    Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy Photo Shoot

6 )    The video of two Polish guys murdering someone

5 )    The video of Armin Meiwes, a German man, eating someone

4 )    Everybody’s Fine, starring Robert DeNiro, Drew Barrymore, Sam Rockwell, and Kate Beckinsale

3 )    Chaz Bono’s sexual reassignment surgery

2 )    Docking (it gives my dick chills just thinking about it, but part of me can’t imagine it actually happens)…

1 )    Joan Rivers’ vagina.

Recently, Hugh Hefner released the theme of the Lindsay Lohan photo shoot and explained that it would be an homage to Marilyn Monroe. Basically, it must have come down to this. Hefner saw her body and decided that they needed a theme that wasn’t “Lindsay Lohan”. Personally, I don’t see this as so much an homage as it is an insult. Marilyn Monroe was actually beautiful, and the best way to pay tribute to her is to have a worn down drug addict take off her clothes and pose in a men’s magazine? Tough break. Lindsay Lohan’s theme should have been “garbage”. They could have taken her out back behind the building in some dank alley, hosed her down with sludge and motor oil, stuffed her holes full of expired dairy products, let some stray dogs and cats urinate around her, and snap some pictures. But that still might have been too insulting to garbage. I mean, think of all the good things garbage has done for us? All Lindsay’s done is bang Danny Trejo in Machete. Yeah sure, somebody had to bang Danny Trejo (even if it was in a movie), but still…

When Lindsay Lohan’s issue of Playboy is released in January or February of 2012, whether or not it contains the Marilyn Monroe theme, whether or not she’s tolerable to witness nude, whether or not the sales are good, one thing is certain: I will not be masturbating to it. This is a big statement to make, but I feel it’s one I can stick to. I used to be a huge fan of her (body), but over the last few years I’ve gotten over it. Because it’s not there anymore. The best photoshoppers in the world couldn’t make her naked body appealing. I don’t care what’s airbrushed, I don’t care what’s touched up. It’s going to look terrible, and I wouldn’t waste the semen. Now, if she’d wise up and make a sex tape… well, then I think I could make a withdrawal from my account at the First National Bank of Cum. But it can’t be with a black guy. It’s not a race thing, it’s just that after seeing SO MUCH of Ray J’s cock inside of Kim Kardashian, I’m just looking to mix it up, ya know?

He looked directly into my eyes the whole video!

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