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November 11, 2011

This entry was posted on Nov 11 2011

Hey everybody! It’s 11-11-11, and you know what that means!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hence the blank white square above this sentence. It’s November 11, 2011 and it was bound to come around eventually. It is NOT a coincidence. It does NOT carry some other worldly astrological message. There is nothing important about this day whatsoever (except technically Veteran’s Day, which has the misfortune of being associated with this shit). Personally, I’ve been dreading this date for a long time. Ever since I first heard someone scream at the top of their lungs for the group they’re with to look at the clock and see that it read 11:11pm. Then that person would giggle to themselves and smile. Then the other people would also laugh and high five each other. High fives? Really? I was devastated to learn that my very own girlfriend is also infatuated with this “phenomenon”. Anytime that clock reads 11:11 and she happens to see it (by shear coincidence, but she’ll argue that), she gives me this smirk that infuriates me. People make the argument that they sense the 11:11 and that’s why they look at the clock at that particular moment. That’s the part that’s coincidence. What’s not coincidence is that we live in a society full of morons who for whatever reason are entranced by the concept that a certain number could appear more than once in a row. These are the people we share the planet with. People who want to see the number one over and over again, in groups of four or six.

So, for these reasons I have been dreading today’s date. Most of you probably disagree with me. Most of you are probably thrilled right now! I’m sure that Facebook is littered with 11-11-11 statuses praising our good fortune that we are alive for this outstanding moment! One status I just read said, “Happy 11-11-11, everybody! Enjoy it! This will probably never happen again in our lifetime!” Stupid. First of all, probably? Unless someone we know lives until the year 3011, I think we can safely say that this won’t ever happen again in our lifetime. Secondly, enjoy it? Enjoy what? This day doesn’t mean anything! Nothing happens! There isn’t even a parade! I literally can not think of what goes on in your minds. I seriously can not figure out what you people think is going to happen today. It seems like the only thing you’re all quite sure of is that you can look at each other (believers) and then people like me (skeptics), and provide that same goddamn, pompous hipster-esq smirk that my girlfriend gave me when she looked at that fucking clock! Is that the moment you’re all waiting for? The moment where you can look at a calendar and then some random stranger and you both know deep in heart that something magical is transpiring all around you, as if you two are living during the Tribulation (see: Revelations) and notice the cross on each other’s forehead, visible to believers, but concealed to heathens, representing that you’ve chosen the side of God and have turned your back on Satan! Is that the look you’ve been waiting to give people?!

Everything looks creepier written in chalk on a dank wall...

Let me tell you the only thing that is going to happen on 11-11-11. The only thing that’s going to occur on this meaningless day is that Darren Lynn Bousman’s new film, 11-11-11, is going to hit theaters to horrible reviews. What, you don’t know Darren Lynn Bousman? Why, he’s the very man who directed both Saw 3 and 4! You may have noticed that I didn’t italicize the word “saw”, it being a movie title and all. Well, that’s because the third installment was barely passable, and the fourth was the beginning of exactly how awful the franchise would become. Anyway… THAT Darren Lynn Bousman! His new film (written AND directed by Darren Lynn Bousman!) is called 11-11-11 and it was definitely only written so that it could be released on the same date as it’s title and capitalize on the stupidity of people like you. Basically, some American author’s wife and kid die, so naturally he goes to Barcelona to visit his estranged brother and dying father. Suddenly he’s constantly seeing the number 11 everywhere he goes (like The Number 23, with Jim Carrey… very original). And, I don’t know, 11-11-11 turns out to be a warning or something. It sounds fucking horrible. One of two things will happen, (a) the movie will tank like it’s supposed to, because it’s a terrible concept and will undoubtedly be executed with lackluster flair, or (b) it will have an above average opening weekend because the mindless drones, too stoned on a plethora of recreational drugs to understand the difference between good and bad cinema, will hand over blank checks to movie box offices so that they can see the first few screenings of this inevitable disaster. I’m not saying the latter option breaks a hundred million, but I’d imagine it finishes somewhere between $40-60 million, which is far too much considering MacGruber only grossed around $10 million.

Besides that movie, nothing else will happen. In fact, the idea that something might happen made me so angry that I called up my girlfriend (who was with one of her equally “spiritual” friends at the time) to ask her what you people think is going to go down. Her friend literally gasped when she heard what I was asking about, because apparently those numbers have been following her around her whole life… I almost hung up right there, but I decided to persevere and get my answers. I should have hung up. The answers I received from them were an assortment of the following: an economical collapse, the battle between good and evil, a zombie apocalypse, a life ending meteor, and overall spiritual enlightenment. Those “answers” were given to me in no particular order or cohesion. So… there you have it.

Jared Loughner never did quite get the smirk right...

If you’re reading this and you’re one of the few that agree with my stance against spiritual enlightenment, then take my advice: stay inside today. Don’t leave your house. Keep your television off. Close the windows and pull the drapes. Do whatever you need to do in order to avoid that look everyone will be giving each other. That rolling of the eyes that say, “I told you so”, or “mhm hm”. That smirk of the mouth that says, “still don’t believe?”. And prepare yourself for tomorrow, because even if NOTHING indeed happens, you know these people will pretend that something did. “What, you didn’t feel it?” Cue the smirk. And most importantly, DO NOT refer to today as 11-11-11. Today is November 11, 2011, and it will be just another boring, miserable, pointless, shitty day, just like yesterday, and surely like tomorrow will be.

Unless it’s not, and then I’ll look like a real jackass.

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