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Joe Paterno’s Corpse Should Testify

This entry was posted on Jan 26 2012

Sometime next March, Jerry Sandusky will go to trial. He is being charged with more than fifty counts of child sex abuse against ten boys. Most of you have watched this case unfold over the last few months and need little information from me to follow along with this discussion. Those of you who haven’t been following this scandal, please go do the proper research and get yourself informed. I myself know very little of the crucial details that are involved in this case, so for me to try and explain them to you would be ridiculous. Now, whether Sandusky is guilty or not… I’m going to make an uninformed guess and say yes. Sexually abusing children? It’s a victimless crime and Sandusky most likely couldn’t resist the sick thrill. It’s a scientific fact that 85% of the elderly in this country (I’m classifying “elderly” as over 60) molest children. Think about any old person you know and tell me they don’t look like a child molester. I mean, really think about it. Opposites attract, right? Well, old people are wrinkly and dry, while young children are tight and moist. You do the math. Was Jerry Sandusky a victim of circumstance? Simply a product of a society that’s lost it’s way? No… He’s just a sick, old son of a bitch (allegedly). But within this story is a much more devious and malicious monster. Someone who just loves to watch children being sexually abused, and then stop watching, and then tells no one. And now that man is dead. How convenient…

How did no one see this coming? When I picture a child molester in my head, this is the exact image that comes up! This exact guy!

Joseph Paterno is some old piece of shit that apparently coached Penn State’s pee-wee football team for like, two hundred years. People who attend Penn State would lick the sweat from his balls, given the opportunity. Paterno holds the record for most victories as a coach in NCAA Division 1 Football history. Well yeah, when you coach FOREVER I suppose that’s a milestone that’s hard to avoid. Metallica will probably release more albums than any other band in music history, but that doesn’t mean they’re a great band. That’s only going to happen because they just don’t know when to give up (this theory excludes Brett Favre who was great his entire career). I’m going to be brutally honest with you guys now… I did not know who Joe Paterno really was until this investigation began. If six months ago someone asked me who coached Penn State’s football team, I would be at a loss. If six months ago someone asked me to finish the name “Joe Pa…”, I would have answered “tato”. And shocker, now that he’s dead, and I’m making all these hilarious Facebook statuses about his demise and how I don’t care that he’s dead, everyone’s mad at me. I just can’t win, gang (sad face emoticon).

Here’s more truth: Like many of the topics I write articles about, I know very little about this scandal. So, I did what any rational and respectable journalist would do, and rather than researching the case myself, I just asked the first person online to explain to me in one sentence why Joe Paterno is in trouble. My dear friend Ryan (who I’ve spent much of my time torturing over the last few years) provided this interesting insight…

Ryan: “Finding out someone is diddling kids and not telling someone or trying to stop it is the same as holding the child’s asshole open for Sandusky to stick his pleasure stick into.”

There you have it! Now that I’m up to date, I can continue on with my main thesis (a thesis I was always going to argue in favor of since starting this article). That even though Joe Paterno is now deceased, in my opinion he still remains a principal witness that needs to testify in this trial. So, what we need to do is desecrate his grave, drag his corpse out of the ground, and prop him up in front of a judge to hear his side of the story! Let’s face it, the timing just stinks. Stinks like shit. I mean, the minute these allegations are brought up against Joe Paterno, he gets lung cancer and dies? Moments after Penn State fires him… he gets lung cancer and dies? Either Joe Paterno REALLY only continued living for the love of the game, or he’s up to something. My money’s on the latter. There’s two logical theories here, and yes, they are logical. One theory is (a) Joe Paterno couldn’t bare to live while the media dragged his name and reputation through the mud, so he faked his death to avoid further ridicule. It all adds up. The man was a million years old, so the idea that he developed lung cancer and passed on after having his dreams ripped away was entirely plausible. Penn State fired him rather than let the man resign, so they look like the assholes now. Because the guy is dead (and at one point beloved), now Saturday Night Live can’t morally write any Joe Paterno skits (even though they wouldn’t be funny anyway). Being dead, JoePa comes out on top! It’s kind of genius for an old piece of shit. He’s probably in some bomb shelter hundreds of feet below the Earth in Kansas somewhere watching his tiny black-and-white television, laughing as the tributes come rolling in! He’ll live for another thousand years down there as new Division 1 coaches come and go, while his records stand the test of time.

Seth Meyers needs to get better correspondents...

Of course, there’s always (b) Joe Paterno was in on the whole thing. Which is probably what happened. Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky, those guys were best friends (probably, I don’t know)! Plus, they were over 60, so they LOVED molesting children in their spare time. What else did they have to do? During the season they won championships, and during the off-season they’d scar children for the rest of their lives. Thinking about how much those children would spend on expensive therapy someday got them especially hard. But then those old codgers got greedy. They wanted the best of both worlds, at the same time. So, they started molesting children DURING the season. They knew they’d never get caught. Paterno was the leader though, and when the whole thing went down, he sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one taking the blame. So, he pinned it all on Sandusky. But he knew if he didn’t incriminate himself a bit, it might look suspicious. So, he mentions (in his saddest old man voice) that he witnessed some wrongdoing once, but never really reported it (or whatever). Most of the heat was on Sandusky, but JoePa had to hurt himself a little bit, too. It was his only regret. What? Still not sure about this theory? Well, just read this script that I wrote that details the average afternoon under Joe Paterno’s rule!

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

INT. LOCKER ROOM – AFTERNOON

It was a typical afternoon at Penn State and Joe Paterno was watching some game footage before his next meeting with his assistant coach. The rest of the coaching staff was scattered around the locker room, each with their erect cocks deep in a small boy’s mouth, the children’s hands bound behind their backs, which was custom under Paterno’s regime. Paterno’s assistant coach enters the room.

JOE PATERNO
Thank God you’re here! You need to see some of this
game tape from last week. It’s outstanding!

The assistant coach studies the television screen and furrows his brow.

ASSISTANT COACH
Um, sir… You’re watching Leatherheads, starring
George Clooney and John Krasinski.

Joe Paterno cranes his neck upward toward his assistant coach in disgust.

JOE PATERNO
(suddenly irritated)
What?

The assistant coach takes a step back as Joe Paterno struggles to get up from his Rascal scooter, which displayed the custom license plate “CHILDFUCKER” and a bumper sticker that read “I didn’t see nothing!”

ASSISTANT COACH
Well, it’s a sports comedy from 2008.

Joe Paterno desperately searches his memory for anything from 2008, but comes up empty.

JOE PATERNO
I want all our players wearing the state of the art equipment
they have on in this video!

Joe Paterno reaches into his jacket to fetch his Chesterfield cigarettes. He places a cigarette in his mouth and lights it with two flints.

ASSISTANT COACH
You know sir, you really shouldn’t smoke those.
Your health and all…

Joe Paterno takes a deep drag before coughing blood into his hand and wiping it across his assistant coach’s brand new white collared shirt. He then turns gingerly toward a member of his coaching staff, who is of course having sex with a young boy.

JOE PATERNO
Hey idiot! If the child can still breathe, you’re
doing it wrong!
Joe Paterno turns back to his assistant coach.
JOE PATERNO
And if you don’t stop sassin’ me, I’m going to
take you outside and beat you with a frozen hose!

Joe Paterno sits back onto his Rascal and drives over to the door, but hits the breaks, which leaves an ugly streak across the clean locker room floor.

JOE PATERNO
Keep having sex with those young children, men!
None of you are queer, right?

The men, almost paralyzed in fear of the old man, continue to pump into the children.

ASSISTANT COACH
That’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…

Joe Paterno looks his assistant coach up and down.

JOE PATERNO
How many pounds of semen have you emptied into
the asshole of a young boy today?

The assistant coach struggles to come up with a lie. With some imaginary number that he could tell Joe Paterno, to spare himself the emotional beating he was about to receive.

ASSISTANT COACH
None, sir…
Joe Paterno spits on the ground.
JOE PATERNO
You’re fired!

The assistant coach hangs his head in shame before placing on the locker room table his clipboard, headset, and Paterno-issued “Child Rape Kit”.

JOE PATERNO
And remember… I didn’t see nothing!

Joe Paterno drives his Rascal out of the locker room while his coaching staff finishes simultaneously into their children. Around the world, students of Penn State can feel those climaxes and applaud their school’s faculty for a job well done, swallowing their pride like those children swallowed that load. Penn State: Where Denial Was Born.

FADE OUT:

________________________________________________________________________________________________

One of the things I hate most about this entire situation is how students from Penn State have completely drowned themselves in denial. It’s pretty much like they chose to ignore everything that’s happened just so that they can continue to glorify their university’s FOOTBALL COACH, as if COLLEGE FOOTBALL mattered AT ALL in the real world. It’s insanely pathetic. There’s this one girl on my Facebook who has posted something pretty much daily about Joe Paterno being a hero, and how we need to remember his legacy, without any mention of the scandal whatsoever. At this point her argument is getting dangerously close to the same sentiment as “what about all the good things Hitler did?” Why are people from Penn State this disillusioned? Honestly, the child sex abuse scandal aside, don’t you think you people are putting a little too much into honoring and loving Joe Paterno? He wasn’t even coaching REAL football (the NFL)… He was coaching college kids. If Joe Paterno had led the Pennsylvania Hamburgers (a ragtag group of nine-year-old misfits) to one hundred straight Booger Bowls, would you guys still be praising him like the second coming of Jesus FUCKING Christ? Perhaps there really isn’t anything else going on at Penn State… Don’t you guys have book clubs or fajita nights to occupy your time? No? It’s really just shitty, meaningless college football? Oh… Well in that case, I’m hereby naming Penn State, the “The Most Boring, Shitty University In America, With The Stupidest, Most Pathetic People In The World”. Congratulations Penn State, you’re the best at almost real football…

These have to be the most deluded students on the planet.

Taking all of this into consideration, the only sane reasonable thing to do is to take the corpse of Joseph Paterno, his flesh already rotting, the tears of his family still moist on their cheeks, and make it testify against Jerry Sandusky. The people of this great nation need to know what happened behind the doors at Penn State. They need to know every position Sandusky held those children in. Now, I know what you’re all thinking; how can a dead body testify in a court of law? Admit it, that’s what you’re all thinking. You want to know how someone who is dead (for a while now) will provide testimony. Well, I have no idea. These are the kinds of questions scientists get paid to find the answers to. Maybe they’ll plug the body into an outlet or something. The electrical charge will, uh, stimulate the neurotransmitters that, uh… Shit, I don’t know! How’d they do it on The Walking Dead? Get the writers from The Walking Dead to figure out how to reanimate Joe Paterno’s dead, lifeless body and make him swear on a Bible!

Folks, I don’t know how this trial is going to pan out. It could easily end up being just another Casey Anthony fiasco, and then Nancy Grace will REALLY lose her shit. Worst case scenario, the world is still going to be able to enjoy my offensive dead-Joe Paterno jokes and statuses! Lucky you! Check out what I’ve posted so far!

  • Rest In Peace, Joe Paterno. You’ll be covering up sodomy in Heaven now…
  • Pretty convenient of Joe Paterno to die right before the trials.
  • I’m predicting the New York Giants will finish this game the Joe Paterno way; by which I mean they’ll witness children being sodomized, look the other way, and then die. (this of course was referring to the Giants-49ers playoff game that took place not too long ago, which obviously didn’t end in my favor)
  • Joe Paterno is still dead and burning in Hell if you forgot.

I truly hope Penn State's football team goes straight to shit.

And if those didn’t tickle your funny bone, REALLY think about Joe Paterno’s dead body up in front of a judge, testifying in a court of law (if you haven’t already)! HYSTERICAL! My bowels are emptying all over the place just thinking of that image!

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