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Chicken Nuggets > Not Dying Of Heart Disease

This entry was posted on Feb 06 2012

There are people in this world who are not fit to share the air we breathe. These “people” (a term I’m using loosely) lack a certain common sense that most of us have come to take for granted. In yet another classic case of this phenomenon is Stacey Irvine. Stacey is a seventeen year old British factory worker who was recently rushed to the hospital after collapsing. She was apparently struggling to breathe (the same oxygen I mentioned earlier, it turns out). It was discovered shortly after this rush to the emergency room that Stacey has eaten almost nothing but fast food chicken nuggets since she was two years old. Stacey’s mother responded by stating that once her daughter started eating chicken nuggets “she loved them so much that they were all she would eat”. This situation has several possible answers. Either (a) Stacey Irvine is a budding documentary filmmaker who, much like her possible inspiration, Morgan Spurlock, decided to take down the malicious McDonald’s empire by putting her own health in jeopardy, (b) possesses some sort of other worldly power beyond our mind’s comprehension, or (c) is one of the dumbest bitches on the planet.

McDonald's should look for a different spokesperson...

Anyone who has followed my work knows I’m no stranger to mocking the health troubles of young women. It was just over a year ago that I drafted my Four Loko exposé entitled, “Go Loko Or Go Fuck Yourself!”, where I detailed my reasoning why Four Loko should not have it’s energy drink component removed, while also ridiculing Courtney Spurry, a young girl who drank two cans of the alcoholic beverage within a thirty minute span and died crashing a truck into a tree. I still strongly believe that deaths like Courtney’s are simply God weeding out the weak, but Stacey Irvine doesn’t fall into that category. Stacey Irvine survived. Which leads me to the question: What is Stacey Irvine trying to prove? Society’s common sense dictates that McDonald’s (along with most fast food) isn’t healthy. Science chimes in here and there to confirm these sentiments with it’s “facts” and “research”. This is precisely the reason why we didn’t need the much over hyped documentary Super Size Me. This wasn’t groundbreaking news. The food costs a dollar and it’s ready before we order it. Unless you’re an idiot, or an individual recently diagnosed with a terminal case of “the gullible”, you already knew fast food wasn’t good for you.

So, let’s assume that Stacey Irvine ISN’T an idiot. Let’s imagine that British public schooling put their best foot forward when educating this young girl. Hypothetically, she would be well aware of the ramifications of a strict fast food only diet. Yes, I know, she began eating chicken nuggets at the tender age of two. But let’s say that once a person becomes a teenager there has been enough word of mouth and general education regarding health that she would know what she’s doing. In this scenario, Stacey would be consciously destroying her body (even the most obese, neglectful piece of shit on occasion accidentally shovels a vegetable or two into their gullet when consuming their Boston Market family meals). And why would she do this? Because Stacey Irvine is not only NOT an idiot, but she’s actually supremely intelligent. At the age of two she understood the epidemic that was fast food and decided to take a stand. At TWO YEARS OLD she decided to become a martyr and gave her body to Ronald McDonald and the Grimace. She would die at the hands of fast food, making her the ultimate “Exhibit A” in the eventual class action trial against fast food conglomerates such as McDonald’s and Burger King, and ultimately ending with her surpassing Morgan Spurlock’s work in every way. And considering Stacey made this decision at the age of two (approximately 1996), about eight years before Super Size Me was even released, we have to assume she can also see into the future.

It's too bad Morgan Spurlock didn't die from eating all that fast food. Really.

But what if Stacey Irvine hasn’t been harboring an unexplained grudge against American fast food and Morgan Spurlock for the last fifteen years? Seems unlikely, but let’s see where this thought takes us. I mean, I’ve had quite the number of resentments in my day (and still do), and much of that hatred was rectified by spite-fueled revenge. But fifteen years of malice culminating into colossal health problems down the line? Now that’s a REALLY long con. That would take outstanding commitment. Stacey would be dedicating her life to this investment and she’s not even done yet. She’s only JUST passed out. There’s going to be quadruple bypass surgeries and strokes and hemorrhages to look forward to! So, just in case she’s not currently pulling off the world’s best (whatever you would call what she’s doing), let’s investigate other alternatives. Because it’s completely possible she’s immortal…

Close to fifteen years eating almost nothing but chicken nuggets? Do you understand the sodium intake that would mean? How many meals a day of simply chicken nuggets and the overall fat count that inevitably leads up to? And she just now passed out? None of this adds up at all! Perhaps Stacey Irvine is working with superhuman body parts…? The heart of Superman, the lungs of The Flash, the stomach of The Thing, and the snatch of Wonder Woman (those vaginal walls could crush a cock like a tube of toothpaste). Maybe Stacey Irvine’s parents conceived her during a late shift down at the nuclear power plant. Stacey’s parents were overcome with lust while checking the thermonuclear core and couldn’t contain themselves any longer! So, right there on the plant floor, they began to have some of the most aggressive sex that scientists could have (missionary position, with the penis poking out of the zipper). But during those first two (and only) thrusts, BY SHEER COINCIDENCE, a small plutonium leak sprouted and covered the two! Unfortunately, even though the sex between scientists isn’t very drawn out, their orgasms can last as long as twenty minutes! So, for twenty minutes plutonium made it’s way into every crevice, contaminating that newly fertilized egg like gangbusters.

They should hire a new staff at this power plant. Sex on the floor? Deplorable.

But that’s probably not what happened either. I mean, scientists having sex? Doesn’t make sense. Scientists are very practical people and sex just isn’t practical. Why would they have sex? For enjoyment? Scientists enjoy nothing. To procreate? Why, so that their children can grow up to become scientists also and take their parents’ jobs? No, thank you. So, if Stacey Irvine wasn’t trying to overthrow fast food’s stranglehold on society… And she wasn’t trying to become a better documentary filmmaker than Morgan Spurlock… And she’s not omnipotent… Well, then that only leaves one last theory. That Stacey Irvine is just another stupid bitch.

I just now searched for an image of Stacey Irvine. This is literally the second sentence I’m writing after seeing her. She’s not fat. She’s not even the worst looking girl. But she absolutely looks like a stupid bitch. And when you read some of the things she’s been quoted saying, this quality becomes more and more apparent (the quality of looking like a stupid bitch, that is). Stacey says she can’t eat anything else. And I can’t even blame her mother, because she’s been trying everything to get Stacey to eat something else (even starving her). After being rushed to the hospital, Stacey was diagnosed with anemia and swollen veins in her tongue. It was also reported that her high fat and salt intake puts her in a perfect position for heart disease, stroke, and cancer down the line. So, why keep eating chicken nuggets? Because you really need to be a truly remarkable kind of moron. The kind of moron who lives on after death via The Darwin Awards and ghost stories future parents will tell their children to scare them into eating broccoli.

I don't remember if this is "chicken nugget paste" or a standard Stacey Irvine bowel movement.

News Flash: Chicken nuggets aren’t even that fucking good. You were all thinking that too, right? Of all things to decide you can’t stop eating. Maybe her fucking problem is that she hasn’t tried any other food since she was TWO YEARS OLD. If you fed this girl a piece of filet mignon or swordfish she’d probably crap her pants (because of the flavor shock AND the fact that her body probably wouldn’t know how to process it). I sincerely believe that it’s people like this who are ruining life for the rest of us. It’s the Stacey Irvine’s in life that piss all over the toilet seat. It’s the Courtney Spurry’s in life that drive twenty miles an hour in the left hand lane on the highway. It’s the Stacey Irvine’s in life that can’t work the self-checkout machines at the grocery. It’s the Courtney Spurry’s in life that don’t make the right hand turn on red. These people are trying to slow the rest of us down to the speed of their blood to their brain and heart. If Stacey wants to funnel chicken nuggets down her throat like some brainless retard, I say let her! When she dies, the rest of us will sit on dry public toilet seats and blaze through checkout lines. And if she lives a long life, well then good for her. She wins. Stacey can spit right in those doctors’ faces. But she won’t live. She’ll die of some heart attack/stroke/cancer cocktail because she’s a seventeen year old girl on her period who doesn’t like being told what to do, loves eating chicken nuggets, and hates authority. So, I imagine it won’t be too long into the future before I’m writing my “Stacey Irvine Passes Away” article. I should probably get a jump on it. Sounds like my deadline might be coming up soon.

I guess you'll have the last laugh, Stacey... Keep on nuggeting!

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