The Black Keys Are Too Ugly To Make Music

This entry was posted on Feb 21 2012

Caution: This article is going to come off very shallow.

They didn't have to put this sign up in front of my house...

It was about three years ago that I had first heard of The Black Keys, despite the fact they’ve been around since 2001. I was rifling through my friend Frank’s iTunes, looking for cool sounding bands to start listening to, but inevitably finding nothing but aggressive, chaotic hardcore that I could never really sink my teeth into (I would literally try to bite the computer). It was a hobby of mine to scroll through his list of bands and mock his taste in music (which I did even in the rare occasions when I liked an artist he listened to). I don’t remember exactly how I came across The Black Keys within that music library. I want to say that Frank mentioned them specifically at one point. I vaguely recall listening to almost half of two of their songs on You Tube, before pushing the computer off his desk in disgust. How can this guy, or anyone for that matter, listen to this garbage?, I thought to myself. I would later become aware that The Black Keys’ popularity was steadily growing. The rage was building deep within my bowels, but I had to put my hatred on the backburner, for I had a lot of things to hate that year.

It was a few months ago that I caught the end of an interview with The Black Keys. I’m not sure what program they were on, or who was doing the interviewing, because the only thing that still stains my memory of that day was the realization that The Black Keys were… white guys. I had never seen them until that moment, and up to that point I was under the assumption they were a black group. The Black Keys does not sound like the band name of two white guys. It sounds like a band name The Fugees almost went with, but then didn’t at the last second. Now, this was startling enough on it’s own, but what came next would truly haunt me forever. After my surprise at discovering their true skin tone, I was mortified to see just how ugly they both were (especially the drummer). I couldn’t finish the interview, I had to turn away. This was partly because they both sounded like the dumbest people in the world (who somehow also came off a little pretentious), with absolutely nothing to say, but primarily because of how unbelievably hideous they were. I immediately kicked my television off it’s stand (which I had become prone to doing since Frank’s house) and vomited violently into my garbage can. My poor mother walked by and almost passed out from the vapors! She thought I had contracted food poisoning from her braciole! Just kidding, my mom can’t cook.

Many thoughts raced through my head that fateful day. More often than not, it was just one question. How could two people, that ugly, be allowed to make music? How could people stand by and let this happen? Wasn’t anyone paying attention? Where were we (yes, I’m placing some blame on myself also) when The Black Keys were touring constantly, pumping out albums, and trying to make a name for themselves? We (society) must have been drunk. We must have been wrecked on Jagermeister to have sat idly by while these partial birth abortion-looking creatures clumped music together. Listen, I realize that ugly people become famous sometimes. Shit happens. There are ugly celebrities within various types of media, but never before has their been this kind of ugly…

There are no words.

So, now that we’re all well aware that The Black Keys are making music, and are as disfigured as the Devil’s dick (the one he got caught in the garbage disposal, not the other one), how can we stop them? It’s not going to be easy. These guys have started winning Grammy’s, so you know indie kids and hipsters are probably rolling joints to their music at this very moment. “Hey man”, says Stoner Cretin #1. “Turn up that killer tune! It’s rocking my socks off!” Stoner Cretin #2 straightens his Rivers Cuomo eyeglasses and turns the volume up on his newest Black Keys album. “Um, like, these guys are the chicken soup to my soul”, says Stoner Cretin #2. He takes a long inhale of his clove cigarette, while preparing his bong. “Wanna fuck to this? We’re both fucking idiots, so…” And that’s how the average conversation between stoners or hipsters goes, while they’re listening to The Black Keys of course. Without The Black Keys, that conversation somehow increases in sophistication.

Oh, and it doesn’t help that they’re also fairly prolific. Seven albums in nine years? Well, I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising. It’s not like they’re tending to girlfriends or their plethora of friends. They probably don’t even sleep, since it’s too much a conformist thing to do. Most likely, these guys are sitting in their parents’ basement twenty-four hours a day, writing shitty music and popping each other’s blackheads. Sometimes they get into a heated debate over who is the uglier Black Key, but Dan Auerbach always concedes that Patrick Carney is in fact uglier (because Patrick usually starts crying). After fighting they make up by looking into mirrors and watching them shatter. Here and there they’ll stroll down to the children’s hospital to scare the terminally ill kids. They pop their heads in and give those little buggers the ‘ol “ooga booga”! The children of course assume that the gateway to Hell must have recently opened, and these creatures were demons with horrible third degree burns. The children, traumatized by this revelation, would pass away. Considering how ugly The Black Keys are, I must conclude that they are also bad people.

Why would they show Roman Polanski films to terminally ill children...?

Many moons ago, there was a time called “the 90s”. It was a magical decade where all the world’s best movies, music, and television were produced. There were no ugly musicians. That was an oxymoron back then. Take Steve Harwell of the legendary band Smash Mouth, or Robin Wilson of the groundbreaking group Gin Blossoms. Beautiful musicians who grabbed the world by the throat and never let go! This is why the idea that the Black Keys could be successfully producing music, let alone exist, is pure insanity! I’m going to take this time now to ask The Black Keys to stop performing shows and writing music. Dan “Too Long A Head” Auerbach, please burn your guitar and never let your voice be heard again? Patrick “Should Have Been Smothered At Birth” Carney, please sell your drum set via garage sale to the lowest bidder? You two, (heavy sigh), you were never meant to be alive. You were both just the product of some extraordinary catastrophe that resulted in your births. If I had to guess, said catastrophe probably involved an extremely obese woman with a raging yeast infection, a man with a penis five inches in girth, Taco Bell, some sort of radiation (the sex was probably performed in front of an active microwave), and the fact that there must be no God. When you get those things together, well, you get The Black Keys. And we all suffer.

There weren't as many sexy Robin Wilson pictures online as I thought there'd be...

16 Responses to “The Black Keys Are Too Ugly To Make Music”

  1. hey man stop hating, not every one can be john travolta. and im sure you dont look like a charm either. It doesn’t matter how they look like it just matters that they have rockin songs!

  2. dont hate on the hipsters. we are way more smarter then you are because we dont judge people on their looks. You are so insulting. i think you need to live a little and calm down. They have great music and thats all that matters

  3. “dont hate on the hipsters. we are way more smarter then you…”

    Enough said.

  4. who freaking cares what waords i use. at leat i know how to live

  5. i find it so sad that people today are being judged by thier looks. People can be ugly and have great personalities. By saying that some one is too ugly to make music just shows how shallow you are. Its people like you that are siting at your computers making fun of people while you are probly no better looking than they are. I compleatly agree with you on the fact that the 90s had good stuff but that doesn’t mean it was the only time that there was good things in the media. You need to be more open minded to things. It will make you a much better person.

  6. I’m not saying that they don’t have good personalities (though it’s unlikely that people THAT ugly could also be interesting), I’m just saying that they shouldn’t be allowed to make music. There are ugly musicians, but these guys take the cake! I’m an ordinary dude, but if I stood next to them, women would froth at the loins if they took only a glance at me! That’s how hideous they are (especially the one on the right, the uglier one). It’s not that I’m not open-minded, I just call it like I see it. And unfortunately, I see them.

  7. This is obviously a joke, no one could possibly be this ignorant.

  8. A joke? You have seen these guys, right? This isn’t ignorance, this is reality. And did you see that the less ugly one is getting divorced? Hahaha! I read that she never realized her eyesight was 20/10000, and she recently got laser eye surgery, and when she got a look at this dude (pretty much for the first time), she vomited up her intestines and died. But the doctors were able to revive her (they just stuffed the organs back into whatever orifice was most available) and when she saw less ugly Black Key guy standing there waiting for her, she IMMEDIATELY filed for divorce. What a loser!

  9. Your a total dickhead

  10. First of all they aren’t ugly they are pretty attractive, umm maybe because your a guy you think thAt ?
    And why should looks matter ???
    That’s what’s wrong with society nowadays all people ever do is judge
    Like your better than them ?
    There’s a reason why they won Grammys because they’re good.
    You should really think before you speak, just keep your nasty thoughts to yourself .
    I guess you’re just a bully who just talks a lot of crap.

  11. ^This is definitely something a hideous person would say.

  12. ok we’d like to see a picture of the author of this article so we can all agree that the black keys are hotter than you.

  13. is this supposed to be funny, cause it’s not. it just makes you look stupid. like that tom waits article, pretty much all i read was “others like something i don’t like, they must be lying” which isn’t witty, it’s just you seeming like an idiot.

  14. You’re an idiot. You’re exactly who the music company sells to. You’re the reason tv and movies are full of sex scenes.. because sex sells. 90% of your “pretty musicians” have never written a song and use material that is handed to them by REAL musicians.

    You’re the reason that standards for what “good music” has gone down to such a low level.. because hey.. IF THEY LOOK COOL THEY MUST BE GOOD.

    I don’t even listen to the keys but the title of your article was enough to make me want to say you’re an idiot. Music is still music if all you can do is hear it.. your bands would be sitting around just looking pretty if all you could do was see them. You are the moronic media slave that modern media and it’s excess of advertisement caters to. You are the person they hoped to create. A total idiot who would buy or listen to anything just because they put a pretty person’s face on it.

    It’s not your fault.. you were raised and programmed to be stupid.


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