Joseph Kony: The Next Backstreet Boy?

This entry was posted on Mar 09 2012

The secret’s out! There’s no denying it any longer. Joseph Kony is now a household name and it’s all thanks to the viral video “Kony 2012”. We need to give credit where credit is due! And that credit belongs to Mr. Joseph Kony, a Ugandan guerilla leader and head of the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA). Some people are good at singing. Some can fake an orgasm like nobody’s business (I know I can). Everyone’s got their own talent. But then there are that special few that can really turn it into an art form. Joseph Kony is just terrific at abducting children from the hellhole that is Uganda and turning them into child soldiers. He’s amazing at it! I know I couldn’t do it. I just don’t have the upper body strength to wrestle these kids out of their homes, nor the patience to teach them to kill their own parents. I’m not perfect (unlike Joseph Kony). This guy has mastered his craft. Oh my… (stifles a chuckle) I just imagined these child soldiers and it’s adorable. Think about a ten year old who dresses up like a militia soldier or Rambo for Halloween. Too cute, right? That’s what this is like. So, what’s everyone freaking out about? You guys hate Halloween? I can see the holiday just not being your bag, but don’t ruin it for the rest of us. And when I say the rest of us, I mean all those children in Uganda who stay awake at night dreaming that someday Joseph Kony will climb through that gaping hole in the wall and rescue them from the monotony that is their poverty stricken, war torn life. I think deep down, that’s all our dreams. The Ugandan Dream.

This is EXACTLY what the militia children in Uganda look like.

All those abducted, beaten, brainwashed (and probably dead) children aside, Joseph Kony actually has a huge problem. And no, it’s not Jason Russell’s amateur documentary about what a “meanie” (his words) Kony is. His real problem is what lies ahead. I mean, the dude’s dominated his mission in life. There’s no one better. He needs a new challenge. And that’s why I’m going to let you in on a huge secret. You see, I actually met and interviewed Joseph Kony a few months ago. He was in my house. And I was well aware of all the things he was doing in Uganda. And I did nothing to alert the authorities of his being in my home, let alone his presence in the United States. What way would that be to treat a guest? My mother taught me better than that. In fact, I used everyone of her tips for entertaining visitors. I put out a cooler of aged Pabst Blue Ribbon. I asked my guest for a suggested monetary donation. I gave him a tickle. The works! The conversation we would have for the next three hours would not only be enlightening, but spiritually moving. But there was one moment specifically that I’ve decided to share with you. I despise the concept of sharing, but I think it will make my point more valid.

An Except From My Hangout With Joseph Kony:

  • Kony: Have you ever bathed in the warm blood of a child before?
  • Myself: Joe, you said you would let me do the interviewing. (said playfully)
  • Kony: Hey, know what I just realized? We have the same initials!
  • Myself: Oh word? We’re like kindred spirits.
  • Kony: You must take a ride on my yacht sometime. It’s made entirely out of dead children.
  • Myself: That’s sounds really nice, I would be honored.
  • Kony: What’s this? (suddenly irritated) What’s this music coming from you’re iPood?
  • Myself: It’s pronounced iPod. And this is *N’SYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye”.
  • Kony: (throws chair across the room) Fuck *N’SYNC!
  • Myself: Is something wrong, pal? You seem cross.
  • Kony: I’m a Backstreet fan! BSB for life, you understand? I’ve always wanted to be in that band.
  • Myself: Really? That’s so fascinating. Who was your favorite, Nick Carter or AJ McLean?
  • Kony: Howie.
  • Myself: H-Howie?
  • Kony: Howie Dorough. That man is my hero. He made me believe in myself. I want to be him. I want to be inside him, and vice versa.
  • Myself: True Jackson VP, I get ya… (said uncomfortably)

End Of Excerpt From My Hangout With Joseph Kony:

Hitler never wanted to be in a boy band… I don’t see the connection between these three people.

Joseph Kony is a lot of things. A visionary; a prophet; a leader; an amazing executor of children. But we can now add one more thing to that list. Joseph Kony is the only Backstreet Boys fan who has ever favored Howie over ANYONE else in the group. No one wants to be Howie. When you bought a BSB album, you scratched out Howie’s eyes on the liner notes. When you bought a BSB t-shirt, you had a professional airbrush Howie from the rest of the members. It’s not that Howie’s a bad guy per se, he’s just kind of a doof. He’s probably a really nice guy, actually. But over the next hour after that excerpt ends, Joseph Kony would lecture me about the merits of Howie’s membership within the band. How without Howie, BSB would be nothing. And more importantly, now that he’s conquered the world of abducting children and forcing them to fight in his army, his new goal is to become an active member in The Backstreet Boys.

"Joseph Kony? He completes me." ~ 2011, People Magazine.

For those of you that don’t know, Backstreet is still together and producing new music. They are literally recording a new album as we speak for a late 2012 release. Their last three albums were released in 2005 (Never Gone), 2007 (Unbreakable), and 2009 (This Is Us). I know this statement will be controversial to die hard 90s fans, but “Unbreakable” might be the best album they’ve ever made. Throughout the evening Joseph Kony would periodically stand up and perform his renditions of Larger Than Life and Everybody (Backstreet’s Back). They were sub par, but his passion was second to none. Kony spun me tales of life in Uganda, where he’d force some of his militia children to listen to BSB’s entire discography from start to finish. Many of the children couldn’t handle the synthesized American pop music and fell to the floor in a pool of their own blood, hemorrhaging violently. They died quickly, within days. BSB were light-years ahead of the most popular Ugandan pop band called “Ugh Bugs”, which consisted of two horribly ugly Ugandan children with leprosy who intermittently ate the leaches off each other’s back while smashing rocks into their genitals and grunting. The primitives brains of the Ugandan population just couldn’t comprehend the complexity that is The Backstreet Boys (alright!).

I received a voicemail from Joseph Kony just a few hours ago. It was hard to listen to. I could tell he had been crying. He voiced his concern over the viral video “Kony 2012”. He was deeply troubled that the video would make it’s way to The Backstreet Boys themselves, as well as their label, Jive Records. Kony expressed to me his fear that this video could hurt his chances of joining the band. Before this video was released, he described his likelihood of joining the band as “being a shoo-in”. I concurred. This video was not good PR for Joseph Kony. It also infuriated me at times. One part especially… For those of you who’ve seen the video, think back to the segment where Jason Russell (the narrator) explains to his very young son what he does for a living. He explains to his son how Joseph Kony, the “bad guy”, abducts children from their homes and forces them to murder innocent people in his army. The two things that come to my mind are (a) this information is way too heavy for this kid, and (b) he clearly must have fed his son some answers to recite on camera. There’s no way this kid responds the to the statement “but no one knows who he is” (referring to Kony) with “but I know who he is because I see him on this picture right now”. Wow, that seems pretty convenient that YOUR young son responded with EXACTLY the kind of statement needed to segue into YOUR grand proposal for getting Kony’s name out there, without this boy knowing ANYTHING about your message or plan. I guess it wouldn’t have been as beautiful and warm of a moment had the kid pissed himself and shouted “Kangaroo Song”!

I can't imagine this kid is learning anything from his "documentary filmmaker" father...

I sent Joseph Kony a text message shortly after listening to his voicemail, promising him that I would do something to lessen the blow this video has made on his noble reputation. I needed to act. I needed to stand up for what was right. I needed to support a cause. I needed to write a letter to Jive Records begging them to let Joseph Kony become a permanent member of The Backstreet Boys!

Dear Jive Records,

I know by now that you’ve probably watched the viral video “Kony 2012” and think you have a pretty good idea of who Joseph Kony is. Well, you’re wrong. Joseph Kony is nothing more than an avid Backstreet Boys fan who dreams of someday entertaining millions alongside Nick, Brian, AJ, and Howie (Kony’s favorite band member). I think you should seriously consider adding Ugandan guerilla group leader Joseph Kony to the lineup of BSB. I think he would be a valuable asset to the team, not only because he has the voice of an angel (an angel that’s developed a rare condition of the larynx that actually makes his voice too smooth and beautiful), but also as a commercial juggernaut, one that would definitely come in handy on BSB’s next world tour alongside News Kids On The Block. Joseph Kony has years of experience, and not just experience ruining the lives of children in Uganda, but rather the kind of experience you can not buy or “earn honestly”. Experience that comes from within. He has the passion to be a productive member of this group, and my guess is that he would inevitably become the most popular Backstreet Boy ever. The only thing I would worry about is Joseph Kony falling in love with Howie and perhaps making love to him. This is a fault that Joseph himself has acknowledged and vowed to work on. I know you’ll make the right decision and announce Joseph Kony as the newest member of The Backstreet Boys. Thank you very much for your time and God Bless America.



I have (actually) sent this letter to Jive Records and look forward to their response. The minute I get something in the mail from them (the go ahead, that is), I will post it here for all of you to see. So, that all of you can see that dreams can come true, with a little hard work and child torture. To all the naysayer’s out there, the ones preaching that Kony is a monster, or the ones calling for his head… Take a look in the mirror. You’re the monster. To quote Lady Gaga’s song Monster, “that boy ain’t a monster, Kony’s no monster, eat that child’s heart, enslave him in your radical military”. You speak truth, Gaga.

Backstreet's New 2012 Album! "Ugandan Did It Again"

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