RSS

SOURCES: Kate Winslet Caught “Katherine Heigl’ing”

This entry was posted on Apr 22 2012
“How about that Kate Winslet, huh? What an ungrateful fucking bitch.”

~ Martin Scorsese

Would the guy who played “wealthy homeowner“ in Gangs of New York lie? Hell no. So, you know it must be true. The moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. Kate Winslet, that actress who has only been in one good movie (try and guess it!), has dropped the façade. The mask has come off. No more pretending for this ho. She’s a raging bitch and proud of it. But we all knew that. Ever since that box office bomb Titanic was released, she’s been all cotton candy and rainbows, but we all knew the truth. No one is that nice. Not in Hollywood. In Hollywood, everyone is an asshole. But there are two classifications: (a) Asshole, and (b) Fanatical Asshole. All those celebrities that you like and think are so nice… They’re assholes. But then there are people like Kate Winslet who just need to kick it up a notch. Get in everyone’s face, ya know? She was ALWAYS the latter classification, but simply didn’t want to admit it. Until at last she embraced what she truly is, with the help of one of her colleagues of course.

“Katherine Heigl has to be one of the most heinously unlikable people on the planet. If you paid me $100 million, I wouldn’t share a cab with her. Even if I didn’t have to speak to her. I would rather drink an entire milk carton of hydrochloric acid than feign interest in one of her “legendary” limericks for even a minute.”

~ George Clooney

This movie would have been a lot better if they both died. Because they were mauled by bears. And if it had never been made.

Heigl’ing [high-gull-ing]

noun/verb/adjective

  1. The act of publicly criticizing or condemning the films and/or television shows that made your career successful in the first place.
  2. While lying in a supine position, a hairy, sweaty man (preferably weighing between 250-300 lbs) squats naked over your face, allowing for his testicles to dip in and our of your mouth deep enough that it stimulates your gag reflex to the point of vomiting; you both then eat the vomit.

So, we’re clearly talking about the primary definition in this case, if you hadn’t already guessed. If you asked anyone who Katherine Heigl was before 2005, the general consensus would have been, “I don’t know, some bitch?” It was that year that she first started working on the “hit” television show Grey’s Anatomy, as Dr. Big Tits. Before that show, basically nothing. I think she was on the show Roswell, but really, who gives a shit about that? In 2007, she starred in Knocked Up, which arguably is the only real movie she had done up to that point. Most of her filmography prior to that point actually sounds made up. So, we could make a realistic claim that Grey’s Anatomy and Knocked Up brought her career from irrelevant to successful. But that logic must have been lost on Heigl who would later describe Knocked Up as…

“A little sexist. It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys. I had a hard time with it, on some days. I’m playing such a bitch; why is she being such a killjoy?”

Now listen, I’m a HUGE Seth Rogen fan. I’m a HUGE Judd Apatow fan. I love Paul Rudd, and Leslie Mann, and Jonah Hill, and pretty much everything about that movie. So, maybe I could particular exception to this, but so did everyone else. There was some pretty intense backlash against Heigl for these comments. I think my biggest problem with this would come two years later when she co-stars alongside Gerard Butler in The Ugly Truth, a movie that I actually enjoyed, but was definitely much more misogynistic and degrading to women than Knocked Up. How was it easier to be in that movie? She didn’t realize her “bitchy” character in Knocked Up was pregnant, right?

If she really wants to be respected as an actress, she should make a sex tape or jerk off a gorilla.

And then there were the handful of times she complained about Grey’s Anatomy, whether it was about the direction the show was taking her character, or the long hours the producers made her work. That show is basically the ONLY reason people even know who you are. You would have NO career if not for those slave-driving producers. You would be crying your eyes out while reading the sequel to Zyzzyx Road, a movie that made only $30 at the US box office. Heigl’s ungrateful attitude led me to create a term for this phenomenon… Heigl’ing. And we finally have our next offender. With the re-release of Titanic (in 3D) here, Kate Winslet has decided to talk some shit. Not at the film or it’s director, James Cameron (the two most obvious and deserving), but rather toward Celine Dion and co-star Leonardo DiCaprio.

First she admits that the Celine Dion song “My Heart Will Go On” makes her feel “like throwing up.” Then, when asked about the differences regarding Leonardo DiCaprio and herself, from past to present, she replied, “you know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner.” Where’s this hate coming from? It’s coming from deep down within her cold, black heart. Her heart won’t go on, because it never started… because she’s dead inside… so, she wouldn’t need a cardiovascular system… because of the song. And poor Celine Dion. She gets enough grief from the world! And Leo? I was just coming around with that guy! I mean, Titanic looks like the worst movie ever and Leo looks like a real bitch in it, but recently he’s done Shutter Island and Inception, and it’s really won me over. He’s badass now. He probably wants to fuck her shit up, man. But he’d never hit a woman because he’s too classy to bring himself down to her level. So, instead he’ll just have to seduce her and hate fuck the shit out of her. Sure the guy has put on a few pounds in the last FIFTEEN years, but he’s sensitive about it! Don’t bring his love handles up! Goddamn you, Kate Winlset! You tactless whore!

“If I could do it all over again, I would have killed myself before I made any of those terrible movies. I got lucky with Terminator 2: Judgment Day, but boy was the rest shit. I mean, Avatar? I just repackaged Pocahontas, bros. Set in space and shit. I’m such a tool. I have no penis. Oh, and Kate Winslet is a real bitch.”

~ James Cameron

I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Heigl’ing. Other celebrities are sure to commit this crime soon. Perhaps it will be Lea Michele badmouthing Glee, calling it a pathetic, gimmicky American Idol rip-off with clumsy plotlines and ridiculous over the top theme episodes? Who knows? All I know is that I needed to get another article posted on this website before I started becoming everything I hate. And I hate a lot of things.

Post a Comment