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Maybe The Haley Joel Osment Ate Your Baby!

This entry was posted on May 05 2012

“Huntington was just another suburb on the map of these great United States until Haley Joel Osment moved into town. It wasn’t long before the former child star was breathing heavily outside of the kitchen windows of local families eating their dinners, lusting hungrily toward their tender flesh. No, it wasn’t long before The Sixth Sense alum could be found lurking in the bushes of elementary school playgrounds, watching the small children hit each other’s supple skin with sticks. This town didn’t know what Osment had in store for them. You see, Osment’s hunger is insatiable, and nothing will stand in his way. Not the police, not the community watch program, not morality, and not even God. Haley Joel Osment needs to feed.”

Oh, this? That’s just what I thought the new Haley Joel Osment picture was going to be about. You know, the pitch for his new script. I mean, I had to assume he was working on a new project, and that project couldn’t have had any other premise except that of Haley Joel Osment himself becoming some sadistic, cannibalistic monster that devours everyone in some small town. Because if he wasn’t a method actor, and he wasn’t preparing himself for his new role as a heinous savage that consumes human flesh, who subsequently always appears engorged with said flesh… Then why the FUCK would he look like this today?!

Do they even make food that can result in this?

Dear God… Osment, what have you done to yourself? How does a person make this kind of transformation? Transformation? What am I saying? People who transform do it on purpose, usually to better themselves. This is much more a disfiguration, than a transformation. The “man” must weigh a good metric ton by this point! And why didn’t his eyes grow with the rest of his body? Why are they still so squinty and horrible? All the growth hormone that should have enlarged his eyes to a normal size must have accidentally made their way into his nose, because that thing is a behemoth! During Christmas kids must hang their stockings on that thing! And what’s that, a US Open Pebble Beach hat? Why would anyone wear that? Yeah sure, I understand that the dude likes golf, but no one would ever wear that hat. When professional golfers finish the eighteenth hole, the first thing they do is strip themselves of any and all golf related apparel! And what happened to your Pay It Forward money, bro? That looks like it could be anyone’s run-of-the-mill brown jacket and humdrum gray shirt! And can I literally see the grease dripping from your uncombed hair? And those jowls! I’m counting five chins under there! I’m going to be sick.

Alright, perhaps I’m giving Haley Joel Osment too much credit. The guy was basically only in three movies: The Sixth Sense, Pay It Forward, and A.I. Artificial Intelligence (and if it hadn’t been for the “dead people” line in the first one, no one would have cared if he lived or died). So, why am I this surprised that he’s let himself go in such dramatic fashion? I shouldn’t be so much wondering why something like this could happen, but rather how something like this could happen. I need to know what happened to this kid after 2001 when he made Artificial Intelligence (which by the way, I never finished, but the few parts I did see creeped me out in a very deep, cellular level). I think the world deserves to know.

June 14, 2001

Haley Joel Osment was sitting in his basement in complete darkness with his cell phone clutched in his hand, waiting tentatively for Steven Spielberg to finish penning the script for the A.I. sequel. Spielberg had promised Osment the film would happen, but it was a project he never intended to start. Osment’s role as a child-like android made Spielberg sufficiently uncomfortable; he would have said anything to be rid of him. Most of the world felt the same regarding Osment’s performance in that movie. No one ever called Osment on that phone. Not even his parents. They actually started to believe he might be a robot. They feared for their lives, so they legally disowned him and went into hiding deep within the Czech Republic (the one country Osment isn’t legally allowed to visit). The overwhelming loneliness began to drown Osment. He had no friends. He had no prospects. People thought he was a robot. The depression began.

December 25, 2003

Haley Joel Osment had started gaining weight. Over the last two years his diet had consisted primarily of Denny’s and ether (the drug habit started soon after his parents’ Czech citizenship became official). Osment’s agent dropped him a few months earlier after People Magazine named him “Ugliest Child Actor of the Last 100 Years.” He’d spent much of his time sitting on his Batman themed beanbag chair, which eventually led to horrible, incurably hemorrhoids. On this day, Christmas, six of Osment’s hemorrhoids have burst, and the blood and puss has pooled around his feet. Osment, who had lost all sense of shame a long time ago, scooped up some of the blood-puss goop, lathered it onto his small, flaccid dick, and began to masturbate to scenes from his own movies. He stopped paying attention halfway through and unintentionally ejaculated into his eyes. Doctors were never able to fully remove all the semen from his eyes, causing Osment’s eyes to never grow again, and permanent squinting. The condition was later termed “Haley Joel Ejaculatory Vision Distortion Syndrome”.

July 20, 2006

Haley Joel Osment was in a car accident, in which he hit a mailbox and flipped his car. He was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol and misdemeanor drug possession, both of which he pleaded no contest. He was sentenced to three years probation, sixty hours in an alcohol rehabilitation and education program, a fine of $1500, and a minimum of 26 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings over a six month span. Osment had turned to drugs and alcohol. There was no stopping his self-destructive pattern now. Everyone knows that once you possess marijuana (not just smoke it, once you are within a five foot radius of it), there’s no going back. You will inevitably go on to harder drugs and ruin your life. Haley Joel Osment will be my focus for this hypothesis.

That's the kind of drug dealer you see cast in After School Specials... White? Come on?

August 1 2009

Haley Joel Osment was supposed to be in New Jersey for the third annual “Hoboken Former Child Star Golf Classic”, where he would be partnering up with Susan Marie Olsen, who played Cindy Brady on The Brady Bunch, but he never showed up. This infuriated Susan Olsen, who was not only an avid D-list celebrity golf fan, but also a former lover of Osment. They met at the after party of a concert featuring an LFO cover band called LF-Bro. Osment was drunk off imported Zima (illegal in the U.S.) and was making some very aggressive, sexually charged knock-knock jokes to Olsen, who was inexplicably aroused by them. They had horribly uncomfortable and unsatisfying (for both of them) sex behind the venue in a dumpster. Osment was late to his golf date because he was too busy shooting heroin directly into his rectum. He was convinced that would be the fastest way to receive the effects of the drug. By this point his backside was more hemorrhoid than ass, and the effort it took to pull his cheeks apart to deliver the heroin was excruciating. He passed out from the pain.

January 16, 2012

Just this year Haley Joel Osment sightings have skyrocketed 67%. People have reported spotting him at McDonald’s and Burger King restaurants around the country, challenging customers to Big Mac and Whopper eating contests, demanding pornography as his reward, and offering his body as compensation for a loss. Osment has also crashed many press conferences featuring prominent athletes where he rants and raves about how he hasn’t showered in over two years because, and I quote, “the soap burns my urethra and I fucking hate all of you!” Osment is reportedly bankrupt and owes massive debts to bookies, drug dealers, elementary school teachers, chiropractors, optometrists, and The Coca-Cola Company (they’ve asked him repeatedly to stop being seen drinking their product, but he just can’t help himself). Psychologists say that Osment’s level of depression, by their calculations, is probably at about a 8.7 on The Andy Richter Scale. A 1 being relatively happy (equivalent to Andy Richter reprising his role as Conan O’Brien’s sidekick on TBS’ Conan), a 5 being bitter and crushed (equivalent to the feeling after FOX cancelled Andy Richter Controls The Universe), and a 10 of course being suicidal (equivalent to Andy Richter having to take a role on Nickelodeon’s True Jackson, VP, a series about a fifteen year old girl who, while selling sandwiches, is hired by a fashion designer to be the Vice President of his youth apparel division).

The good news, Osment set a new world record. The bad news, she died.

Like many child star stories, Haley Joel Osment’s appears destined to end in tragedy. How he actually succumbs to grim death however, remains a mystery. Will it be cardiac arrest from his abysmal diet? Doctors say his blood percentage is more Mountain Dew than plasma and formed elements. Will it be an accident on set of the porno version of Secondhand Lions? Robert Duvall and Michael Caine will actually put their pride aside to star in this erotic (sort of) sequel, but by their new porn names: Robert Deep Balls and Michael Taint. In the end, it really doesn’t matter what kills him, but rather that he dies before his legacy starts tarnishing our children’s futures. The real fear here is that children will begin to emulate and glorify Osment for his reckless behavior. Luckily for our youth, I don’t see that happening. You see, when celebrities like Lindsay Lohan drunk drive and do drugs, there’s a certain appeal to the rebelliousness. She’s doing these things because she’s a bad girl and wants to the give the cops the ‘ol “fuck you”. But when Haley Joel Osment becomes a fat slob…? He’s not choosing this lifestyle, he simply has no other choice. The guy is fucked up. Game over, man. He’s not making a statement, he’s just hungry. Really, really hungry. No one wants to be a Haley Joel Osment. If those “Live Above The Influence” advertisements really want to make a dent on the War Against Drugs, they should just start showing pictures of Osment within their commercials. Marijuana isn’t a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs, it’s a gateway drug that leads to Haley Joel Osment. And that statement can be taken figuratively or literally (you could become a caricature of Osment, or actually fuck your life up so badly that you end up meeting and befriending him in some alley). Parents, don’t tell your children ghost stories of smoking dope and moving on to heroin. Don’t try and scare them with ideas that second hand pot smoke will kill Grandma and bring back Hitler. Tell your son and/or daughter that marijuana will turn you into Haley Joel Osment.

That dog gets more work than Osment does...

Today, Haley Joel Osment spends most of his time doing voiceover work for the video game franchise, Kingdom Hearts. That’s a fact. He’s done eight of these games. That’s pretty much the majority of his professional work in the last decade. When not… (heavy sigh)… doing voiceover work for video games, he spends his time drafting erotic stories for Hustler, most of which feature himself, none of which have been published. Larry Flynt has actually cancelled Osment’s subscription (even Larry Flynt won’t lower himself to that level). Haley Joel Osment will most likely be dead within the next five years, and when that happens, we’ll all be content enough with the fact that his suffering will be over. He will be forever remembered as, “that kid who bothered Bruce Willis for 107 minutes in that one movie.” It will literally say that on his tombstone. Because I will chisel it on there after his burial. And I will go down as the only person to ever visit him in that cemetery. And I will explain emphatically that it was ONLY to vandalize a grave. I mean, I have a reputation to maintain, unlike Haley Joel Osment, who appears more than willing to throw it all away.

**PS: One of the more interesting things I found out about Osment was on his Wikipedia page. It states, “Osment follows a mostly meat-free diet, though he does eat chicken and fish.” Are you kidding me? How can that be “mostly meat-free” then? That’s like saying, Osment is heterosexual, but does suck dick. Or, Osment is an atheist, but occasionally praises God.**
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11 Responses to “Maybe The Haley Joel Osment Ate Your Baby!”

  1. OKay, so why the heck are you so mean to him?? what ever the reason he gained weight for, probably is important to him, so whjy do you seem to care soo much??!!! hes still a great actor and for all youo know he could be doing it for a movie. Also if youir going to try to make him look bad by pointing out that he hasnt been in many movies, remember the fact that, 1) your just a lonly blogger whos a complete dipshit 2) next time, try to get your facts right. I know that he was in many other movies, bu then since your sooo in touch with him, then why did you know??? hmm? okay, yeah so thanks.. I love him and his acting ever since i was little. K? bye.


  2. In what way could his weight gain be “important to him?” That makes zero sense. I don’t think there’s ever been a person in the history of the world who gains weight because it’s important to them (with the exception of maybe pregnant women). And a “great actor?” Come on… He was a pretty good CHILD actor for like, two movies. But let’s face it, we usually expect the worst of children. So, as long as the kid is halfway believable in his role, we’ll probably be impressed just on the merit he doesn’t shit and piss himself on set. And pointing out that he looks bad? He makes himself look bad by letting himself go to this extent. And if people didn’t know he got this fat, then I’ve done Osment a service by making everyone aware he’s not dead. He has not been in many* other movies. I’m counting REAL movies when I say this. He really has only been in like three successful ones. And that was a while ago. The most recent being Secondhand Lions (from 2003), which I’m being generous with. And for calling me a dipshit, here is a list of words you spelled incorrectly…

    1) Why
    2) You
    3) Your (even though you meant “You’re”)
    4) You’re (again)
    5) Lonely
    6) But

    The only excuse for you “loving” Haley Joel Osment’s acting is that you might be related to him. And if that’s the case, I’m sorry (for you having to be related to a hack).

    *One exception, I thought he was really funny in the “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” teaser commercials for this season. But of course, the joke was that all those cameos were people with dead careers.


  3. Wow, this is awful. Is this what you say to yourself every night before you go to sleep, so you can feel better about your own image?


  4. Oh, and he’s really not that “fat”. He probably weighs about 180 pounds which is less than national average for men his height. Seems to me like he’s fine. He’s in two films that are premiering this year and has kept busy with voicing Sora in The Kingdom Hearts video game series. Might want to get your facts right before you rip someone apart based on their image.


  5. First off Angela, I mention his lame video game voice-over work in the last paragraph. Also, those two “movies” he’s in this year are definitely going straight to DVD, if not straight into the garbage. So I’m not sure what facts I need to get straight. And 180 pounds? Give me a break… The guy is enormous. Get your fucking eyes checked, because you might be legally blind. And I wouldn’t be surprised if EVERYONE checked out a picture of this whale of a man before going to sleep. Who wouldn’t? You’d feel great and you’d probably have amazingly positive and inspirational dreams because you would know without a shadow of a doubt that you’re better than the dude who saw dead people.


  6. Yawn…

    Obvious attention whoring article.
    Get a hobby.


  7. I think author of that poo is one of the casted kids who losted to Osment. Those two movies wouldn’t be so good without him..get over it and go outside, I bet you’re ugliest creature alive just like inside. You sux


  8. You guys caught me! I haven’t left the house in years and my face is covered in boils! Ha! Maybe in your fucking dreams, you idiot tools! Not only am I the most breathtaking human being ever, but women throw themselves at me on a semi-consistent basis, and I frequently poke my head out the house to see what’s going on out there. I want to get outside more often, but both your moms are always begging me to stay in and wreck those snatches, if you know what I mean? And if you don’t know what I mean, I mean with my fat cock. I fill their stomachs up with my seed and never give them compliments. Just kidding, they’re classy ladies. They spit.


  9. If you think he’s so bad, why don’t YOU go win 23 awards, hmm? Also, weight has absolutely nothing to do with how good of an actor he is, and I think he did a very good job playing Sora. Don’t go making fun of people just to get attention, because everybody is just going to hate you for it. (Although you’ve made it quite clear you don’t care, I still hope you regret it.)


  10. Winning 23 hotdog eating contest awards isn’t really something to be proud of…


  11. Wow! Nothing screams jealousy like…..well…this. You silly little man! Oh…and nothing screams inadequecy like…well…bragging about what you dont have. Yah, too bad I know you personally “JOBALAK” ha!…you sorry little punk! Post your picture so the rest of the world knows you too…I dare you!


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