RSS

Rex Ryan Loses 106 lbs… Still Fat And Horrible

This entry was posted on Jul 20 2012

When I first saw the headline that Rex Ryan, head coach of the New York Jets, had lost 106 pounds, I was actually pretty impressed that he took the initiative to get himself healthier. That sentiment died in me faster than a neglected child to SIDS. First and foremost, Rex Ryan lost 106 pounds, and now weighs only 242. Only 242 pounds? I thought I misread ESPN’s BottomLine. I figured that was what he had weighed. Not what he now weighed. It’s much less an accomplishment to go from 348 pounds to 242. That only means you at one point allowed yourself to reach the plateau of 348. Rex Ryan’s only accomplishment here was having his picture next to the medical dictionary’s definition for “morbid obesity”. There is no excuse for allowing yourself to get that fat other than you have a legitimate medical condition (e.g. hypothyroidism, Cushing’s Syndrome, etc). People should have no sympathy for society’s behemoths. No one wakes up one day and looks in the mirror and suddenly discovers they’ve gained three hundred pounds. It’s gradual, and your body gives you plenty of hints that things are falling apart. No one should congratulate Rex Ryan for downgrading his disgusting body from gargantuan mutant to fat fuck. “I obviously look a lot better. I may not be a box of chocolates, but I look a hell of a lot better than I did,” says Rex Ryan. I can’t argue with that logic Mr. Ryan, I can only put it into perspective: “You can polish a turd, but it’s still a piece of shit.” That sentiment is from Anna Faris’ character in Observe and Report, and it shall withstand the test of time. Rex Ryan, you still look horrible.

Then came the best part! Rex Ryan didn’t even lose weight the noble and honorable way. He cheated! He knew he was a immoral, pathetic, weak willed man, so he did the only thing he could think of: cheat. That huge piece of shit cut a check and had lap band surgery. You didn’t do the work, you took the easy way out. Lap band surgery is the LeBron James of losing weight. For those of you who don’t know what lap band surgery is, please, allow Wikipedia to educate you…

A laparoscopic adjustable gastric band, commonly referred to as a lap band, is an inflatable silicone device placed around the top portion of thestomach to treat obesity by reducing the amount of food consumed.

That isn’t really losing weight, you asshole. That’s literally using medical science to fool your stomach into getting full quicker so you don’t want to shovel more food down your fat throat. This surgery is the acknowledgement that you have no self-control, and you need doctors to implant devices into your body to manipulate your stomach to make you stop eating. That is no accomplishment. This should make no one proud of you. You should just stop eating so much.

Far too often do we give sympathy to the morbidly obese. Most of the time they have no one but themselves to blame. Remember Robert Gibbs? That 700 pound guy who was crying on YouTube about how he needed help?

Check it -> Eww, This Guy Is Disgusting

Oh, now you need help? What about when you reached 400 pounds? Still thought you were the toast of the town? How about 500 pounds? Well, I’ve got diabetes now, but I’m sure that’ll pass! 600 pounds? Nope! Still don’t think there’s a problem. It’s that 700 pound marker that really kills you. That’s the moment he decided he needed to take a long, hard look at his life. Fuck Robert Gibbs. 700 pounds didn’t just show up one day. You stopped exercising. You kept eating like shit. You aren’t a brain-dead fucking retard. You know what eating fast food all the time can do to your body. When they diagnosed you with diabetes, was that a shocking moment for you? Did you wonder how that happened? Oh, you’re scared you might not be able to watch your niece and nephew grow up? Well, you should be scared. Because you probably won’t be around. How you’re still alive is probably a miracle. And now you want help? NOW you want help? And guess what? We’re going to give you help. Why not? All those celebrity nutritionists and doctors can’t wait for the publicity of trying to turn you into a normal human being. Dr. Drew was probably on the first plane to Livermore ready to cash in on this bullshit. Let’s save America the inspiring, heartfelt documentary. Let’s just have Oprah pay for this guy’s liposuction, toss a lap band in there (maybe two or three of them), and we can all get back to watching Snooki suck the cum out of a cow’s dick.

This man is not a real doctor.

Alright, that was a little hatefully angry, even for me. But it’s all true. This country has a skyrocketing obesity rate and it’s not going to be fixed by limiting how many fucking ounces of soda can be bought. And it’s not going to be fixed by taking the toys out of McDonalds Happy Meals. It’s going to be fixed by instilling more shame into our society. Instead of coddling people who are over 300 pounds, telling them they look fine and to be proud of who they are, how about we throw up when they walk by? Literally drop whatever your holding at the time on the ground and stare in disgust. Make those people feel like you have seriously never seen ANYTHING so unappealing and repugnant. Only our judgment can make them feel horrible enough to get on a treadmill, because obviously it takes most people 700 pounds before they realize they’re fat. And ignorance is a load of shit, too. It’s 2012, and I don’t believe for one second that you truly didn’t know fast food was bad for you. Cigarettes cause cancer and fast-food makes you fat. Soda, too. And ice-cream, and candy, and doughnuts, and cake, you goddamn fucking idiots! EVERYONE knows this, DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T!

So, Rex Ryan. Do not be proud of yourself. You allowed yourself to weigh 348 pounds because of your gluttonous, lazy, sedentary lifestyle. And you received a Master’s in Physical Education? Did I read that correctly? Shouldn’t one of the last exams you take be a body fat index? You disgust me. No, you sicken me. And do you know what makes me feel utterly justified about this rant? The fact that you are also a miserable, repulsive man with a despicable personality. You’re offensive to all five senses. How you tricked a woman into birthing your child astounds me. Literally baffles me. I can’t think of one thing that you might have said to your wife in your entire relationship with her that could have been interpreted as a compliment. The owner of Chick-Fil-A is wrong. Same-sex unions do not invoke God’s Judgement… Rex Ryan does. And Robert Gibbs does. I can’t imagine how God could look down on Earth, see Rex Ryan and Robert Gibbs with their chocolate cake and Cool Ranch Dorito feedbags strapped around their fat fucking necks, still sucking up precious oxygen from the rest of us (and holy shit, taking up a lot of space in their houses), while distance runners and carb conscious individuals drop dead of heart attacks and develop cancer, and not think, “shit son, I really need to flood this planet and start from scratch.”

That's just how they spoke back then...

Rex Ryan, when that lap band around your stomach finally gives out and you begin to gorge yourself once again upon ANYTHING edible within a three foot radius, I’ll be there. I’ll be there convincing all the people who feel sorry for you to think again. Anyone who says something like, “oh it’s such a shame that poor fellow fell off the wagon” will be invited to my three hour long seminar where I will explain EXACTLY why they should feel the EXACT opposite way. And they will thank me for opening their eyes by writing me a check made out to cash. They will throw parades in the street for me. And perhaps someday, America will weigh a little less. Whether it be because we’ve shamed the fat to lose some weight, or because we removed all the escalators from malls allowing natural selection to take more souls, we’ll be lighter.

Post a Comment