Peter Jackson Thinks You’re Stupid, Because You Are

This entry was posted on Dec 13 2012

Being part of the legendary DeadAirFM infrastructure comes with many different perks. Oh sure, it’s glamorous and beautiful and it makes us feel more alive than any of you will ever know! You know it’s true. Don’t lie. Don’t sit there in front of your computer and lie directly to my face. Or rather, directly to the screen, which is debatably worse, depending on how much stock you put into the future of artificial intelligence. Frank and I, we are constantly being invited to the hottest celebrity parties and the most exclusive celebrity drug dens. Oh, and the rape dungeons! Don’t forget the chic celebrity rape dungeons! But more recently, we were part of the elite few selected to attend a private screening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. It was very posh, you people wouldn’t understand (and never will). The two of us sat next to high-class superstars all night. On our left, John Mayer. On our right, the girl with the huge breasts from Stan Helsing. The theater was packed to the gills with these characters! But then something horrible happened… The movie started. I’m not usually one to save people from certain doom, but no one deserves what I witnessed that night. Below is a brief million word summary of the holocaust-esq film I had to endure that horrible night…

The one on the left, Diora Baird. Crazy hot.

The film opens with the main character, one of those hobbit creatures, making himself breakfast or something. I don’t think they ever actually say this guy’s name throughout the whole movie (huge plot hole), so I’m just going to call him Short Stack. So anyway, Short Stack appears to be making himself huevos rancheros, but he lacks culinary prowess, so it ends up looking like human shit (maybe this was Peter Jackson’s intention?). Just as this poor bastard is about to sit down and shovel some shit down his throat, like thirteen of the goofiest looking trolls barge into his house without knocking or calling ahead. He’s never met any of these “people”, but they proceed to start eating all his food and breaking his stuff. Short Stack rushes over to the phone to call the police, but the trolls have already cut the line. They push him to the ground and for a few minutes it really looks like they are going to have sex with him. They’re licking their lips and biting the air, it was weird. Eventually Gandalf strolls in with little to no sense of urgency, sits down, and pours himself some coffee. Gandalf hits a few of the trolls in the face with his walking stick and they scurry under the couch.

“Short Stack, it’s been too long,” Gandalf starts. Short Stack dusts himself off and regains his composure. “Bro, we’ve never met, get out of my house. This is breaking and entering, it’s a felony,” says Short Stack. Gandalf stands up and starts rummaging through Short Stack’s shit. He’s being really intrusive, but it looks like Short Stack is kind of a bitch, so he just lets it happen. Gandalf tells Short Stack that they need his help reclaiming some stupid Dwarf town, even though he has no experience with this kind of thing. I think Short Stack mumbles that he went to business school or something. Gandalf says something like, “trolls, get ‘em”, and before Short Stack knows what’s going on the trolls pick him up and drag him to their car outside. And at this point I’m certain one of the trolls grabs Short Stack’s junk. This movie isn’t tasteful.

How is anyone actually supposed to take this movie seriously?

Gandalf drives this car full of trolls, with Short Stack basically kidnapped in the backseat, to the beginning of some forest and stops. “We’ll walk from here, even though there are perfectly good roads,” says Gandalf. Short Stack furrows his brow. “How long is this walk going to take?” he asks. Gandalf coughs up some phlegm. He actually spits it really close to where Short Stack is standing. “About three movies,” says Gandalf. “Or eight thousand miles, if you use the metric system.” This is where I questioned Peter Jackson as not only a director, but as an intelligent person. Does he not know that miles are not part of the metric system? But I looked up this scene in the original novel, and there it is. Word for word. J.R.R. Tolkien makes the measurement mistake. And he’s an English writer, shouldn’t he know the metric system better than anyone? Anyway, Gandalf tells the group that they probably won’t need any supplies for this fucking year long journey, so the trolls start burning the food and the blankets and everything. They even burn the water. They boil all the water until it’s completely evaporated. Short Stack is horrified and tries to make a break for it, but they shoot him in the leg with a tranquilizer dart.

When Short Stack finally regains consciousness, the group is already deep into the woods. And this is the bad part of the woods, ya know? Gandalf kept telling everyone it was a shortcut, but I don’t think that dude knew where he was going. He just looked like a senile old man to me. From time to time he’d mumble about the war and walk into trees, it was embarrassing. Personally, I think Ian McKellen is just too old for these roles anymore. Rumor has it those scenes weren’t in the script. Doctors diagnosed him with dementia before he signed on officially for the movie, but Peter Jackson insisted they’d make it work. Regardless, this is where the movie gets utterly unwatchable. For the next thirty minutes they’re just walking around. Literally, we just watch them stumble through the forest. And they aren’t talking either. And there’s no score. All this walking happens in silence. Then one of the trolls passes out from malnourishment. It was the ugliest troll, so I was thinking, who cares, right? Leave him. But apparently this hideous troll was like the heart and soul of the group, and he was hypoglycemic. So Gandalf starts cooking up a soufflé. Unbelievable, right? That takes like twenty to thirty minutes! And he doesn’t get it right the first time. He takes it out too fast and it deflates. So, he starts it up again. And there were apple trees everywhere. Plus, there was a candy store not fifty feet away. It was a Sweets From Heaven, and the owner was beckoning the group in, but Gandalf was determined he’d get the soufflé right. But he never does. And the candy store closes. And the troll dies.

They bury the dead troll after the meal is a flop. But they don’t dig a traditional six foot deep grave. I think they stopped at two feet because two of the trolls dislocated their shoulders and Gandalf went into cardiac arrest. So later that night when it rained, the corpse slid out from under the dirt and right into their makeshift latrine. Coyotes and goblins showed up later to desecrate the body further. That’s when the group decides to turn in for the night. They find a cave to shield themselves from the rain and sleep. But it’s not the cave where Gollum is. Nothing exciting happens. We spend the next forty-five minutes watching these things sleep. That’s it… And they are heavy sleepers for the most part, so they don’t toss and turn. It was as if we were watching the movie and someone hit pause. You barely saw their chests rise and fall. Yeah, so after forty-five minutes they wake up, for no reason, and stretch. Gandalf gets up and walks to the corner of the cave to beat off. He beats off for five minutes. But Short Stack and all the trolls are awake! And Gandalf knows they’re awake! I think he gets some sick thrill from it. So anyway, the group waits uncomfortably for this wizard to finish cranking one out. When he finishes he turns around and goes, “Ah, we’ll wrap this up in the next two movies.” Black screen, credits roll. What?

There are two crucial issues that need to be addressed in this article. A lot of you will be at midnight showings of this movie tonight. Please consider these issues! Issue (a) – There is NO reason for a Hobbit Trilogy. I think everyone knows this, but no one wants to admit it. Below are some figures for you to digest.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – (movie) 169 minutes – (novel) 310 pages

LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring – (movie) 178 minutes – (novel) 531 pages

LOTR: The Two Towers – (movie) 179 minutes – (novel) 416 pages

LOTR: The Return of the King – (movie) 201 minutes – (novel) 624 pages

How do they turn a book that is 106 pages shorter than the shortest book in the LOTR trilogy into three movies? All three LOTR books are longer than The Hobbit. Hypothetically, if all three Hobbit movies are the same running time (169 x 3), those three movies will equal 507 minutes. That’s exponentially longer than every other movie, all of which wrapped up their story in one film! And of course they won’t be the same running time. They will become gradually longer just like the LOTR trilogy as the story comes to a head. The Hobbit can easily be wrapped up in one three-hour movie. No problem! But Peter Jackson knows that LOTR fans will see anything he produces. Why have one movie make $1 billion worldwide, when he could make three movies make $1 billion worldwide? Perhaps I underestimate Peter Jackson’s lavish lifestyle? Or maybe he just can’t think of any new ideas? I mean, when George Lucas ran out of Star Wars movies to make, he made another Indiana Jones… Or maybe the guy is The Devil. He knows you guys will see anything. Literally, anything. If the new Hobbit movie was literally an ugly troll taking a dump for three hours, you people would see it twice. You guys would wait until after the credits to see if there was any hidden clip from the next upcoming troll-shit-movie. Peter Jackson knows his dumb followers will pay to see anything. I mean, his diamond encrusted cock-rings don’t come cheap, ya know?

Obviously The Hobbit doesn’t need to be three movies. It probably didn’t need to be said, but I like to hear myself talk. Issue (b) – Our country is in serious trouble if it’s “cool” to dress up like a hobbit. Listen, it is NOT cool to dress up like a storm trooper or some three-dicked alien when waiting in line to see Star Wars. It is NOT cool to dress up like some pubescent wizard kid when waiting in line to see Harry Potter. But dressing up like a short, weak humanoid with hairy feet has got to be the lowest end of the totem pole. I believe there are other forms of intelligent life out there. I like to believe they watch individuals on Earth as their own form of reality TV show. Different from the episode of South Park where aliens watch Planet Earth collectively as a program, I think aliens can watch individual people as a show. So yes, theoretically they can choose from over six billion shows. Imagine the laughter that must emanate from these life forms when they see you ridiculous idiots with pubic haired glued to your feet.

After we left the underground Hollywood screening of The Hobbit, we ran into Peter Jackson himself. He was wearing a suit made of money, not unlike the one Tracy Morgan wears in an episode of 30 Rock. I’m usually not one to judge people, but he looked like a real asshole. I had already begun constructing my Hobbit-bash article in my head during one of my naps while watching the movie. I thought it would be terrific if I could get a few words from the man behind the horror. Here is our brief dialogue…

Do you guys have any idea how many hovercrafts you've bought him?

Myself: Wow! Peter Jackson! What a goddamn honor it is to meet you! (disgustingly sarcastic)

P-Jack: Yeah, yeah. So, what did you think of the movie? Pretty brilliant, right?

Myself: Oh, well… Hey, you can’t win ‘em all.

P-Jack: I wanted to make those LOTR movies a lot earlier, but I had to wait until Tolkien died.

Myself: Oh?

P-Jack: ‘Cause then I wouldn’t have to pay that sucker royalties!

Myself: Well, what about his family?

P-Jack: Fuck them.

Myself: What are you going to do after The Hobbit? Can’t live off Tolkien forever, right?

P-Jack: Wanna bet?

Myself: What ever do you mean?

P-Jack: Tolkien wrote some shit short story called Leaf by Niggle. It’s like 20 pages long, so I figure that’s about four or five movies. These idiots will see anything! (slaps a small boy dressed like Frodo in the face)

Myself: Sounds like quite the unique and original endeavor!

P-Jack: Niggle? I’m thinking of changing that to something else, if you know what I mean?

Myself: (uncomfortable silence)

P-Jack: Ever notice there are no black hobbits? That’s no fucking accident!

Myself: Wow! Great talking to you, Pete! Looking forward to another 400 minutes of that hobbit!

P-Jack: Yeah, you and the rest of the world! Fuck, I’m drunk!

Enjoy the movie tonight, assholes!

(Just kidding, I hope it’s garbage)

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