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The Book of Job: Redux

This entry was posted on Jan 28 2013
On the Christmas episode of Radio LIVE!, Joe and Frank revisited their hit segment, “Joe and Frank Rewrite The Bible”! We take stories from the Bible and give them a little tweaking. A new age spin on the mundane olden days. Let’s face it, the Bible is a real snooze-fest. When Jesus Christ told his Apostles to write a riveting account of his life that could be used as a guideline for the way people should live their lives, he did NOT have that in mind. Jesus wanted something a little more Fight Club and a little less The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I guess you could say Joe and Frank are doing God’s work. No seriously, say it. And say it sexy.
In case you don’t look at the author of each posted article, the words you’re about to read are that of Joe. I chose to rewrite the Book of Job. Check it out, sluts!

REWRITE THE BIBLE – The Book of Job: Redux

With the Redux, it probably is too long... The Bible is too long.

Preface: At the end of the story, it claims that Job is restored to full health and given a new family and twice as many livestock. That isn’t the case. God fearing marauders found The Book of Job and added those parts to make God look better. They also tore out the second book, The Book of Job: Redux. It tells of the next chapter in Job’s life. That is what you will hear today.

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Job’s friends had never seen that look on his face before. Sure, they were frightened, but they knew Job’s wrath would be wrought upon God, and God alone. Job only had the three friends, because he wasn’t very well endowed. Their names were Buster, Hotdog, and Chompers. Chompers was the only one with any balls, having won their county’s Ape Fight four years running, so naturally he approached Job first.

“Hey pal, shit happens, right?” consoles Chompers. “ There’s no need to cry about it and sit here in the rubble of your former house in silence for like a week, surrounded by the corpses of your dead children.” Chompers was never good with words. He had been left back a few times, but loved chomping on things. Chompers began to chomp on the ankle of one of Job’s dead daughters. You know, to get a smile out of that guy. Job was bringing everyone down. I’m not sure which daughter it was… I think it was the one Job loved the most. Anyhoo, Job proceeds to freak the fuck out. He rips the decaying limb out of Chompers’ mouth, cries hysterically for about eight seconds, and then clocks Chompers in the temple with a brick. Chompers bleeds out quickly. Buster and Hotdog had barely processed what they had just seen and before they knew it Job was murdering them. Once murdered, Job collected himself. He decided to check on his wife. She had enormous breasts and never talked back. So seeing her would surely cheer him up. But she killed herself. She ate dirt until she died. The ratio between dirt and what’s supposed to be in your body was 5:1.

It was four in the morning and the tears are pouring, and I want to make it worth the fight. What have we been doing for all this time? Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on and let’s do it right. Once Job finished singing Gwen Stefani in his head, he threw his grappling hook toward the roof of God’s condo. He began to scale the façade. God had vicariously taken everything from him because of that bet with Satan. Job was going to make him regret it. Once upon the balcony, Job tossed a hand grenade off the ledge which landed in God’s convertible Miata. The explosion set off the security alarms. Job made his way into the living room and immediately saw the guard dogs charging toward him. Another hand grenade blew almost all the dogs to pieces, but one made it out alive. It clamped down on Job’s forearm and began draining the life out of him. God was standing in the doorway. “That’s it Chompers! I trained all these dogs to drink blood!” screamed God. “Hey, I used to have a friend named Chompers. I hated that guy,” said Job. And with that, Job tore the dog in half with his bare hands. Job was known to use human growth hormone, so this wasn’t a huge stretch.

If you ever stop thinking Gwen Stefani’s music is good, she gets the band back together to prove you wrong. Hey, that ONE guy! Whoever you are, thanks a lot…

“Oh snap! I gotta cheese it!” yelled God, who started making an escape through his convoluted hallways. Job chased him down with ease, since he was also an amphetamine addict. Job managed to push God from behind, sending him spiraling over an ottoman and into the wall. God looked up at Job. “You wouldn’t hit an old man, would you?” asked God. Job took out a twelve inch serrated blade. “I’m going to enjoy this,” he said. Suddenly, Satan walked through the front door holding grocery bags. “Honey, what’s going on here?” asked Satan, who didn’t need this first thing walking through the door. “Honey?” said Job. That’s when he started looking around the room. Everywhere were pictures of God and Satan; holding hands, giving each backrubs, having sex. It was clear to Job now. That’s why God’s relationship status on Facebook was “it’s complicated.” They were lovers. And probably exhibitionists, too, because the framed pictures of them having rough sex were literally everywhere. Satan walked over to Job and hit him over the head with the bag of groceries. “Now you leave him alone right this second, Mr. Man!” said Satan. Satan helped God to his feet. “Are we going to finish the game tonight, babe?” asked Satan. “What game?” demanded Job. God eyes left Job and moved to the coffee table.

Job walked to the coffee table and found a board game in progress. The center of the game board said “Job’s Life.” Job’s eyes began to water. “It’s kind of like Yahtzee,” started Satan. “But instead of rolling dice, we ruin your fucking life.” Tears were streaming down Job’s face. The knife dropped out of his hand. His whole life was a game to these deities. His wife, his children, his land… All of it was ripped from him because these two needed something to entertain themselves between penetrating each other. Then there was a warmth. Job looked down to see the growing red stain on his stomach. He turned around to see God holding a silenced pistol. Another shot. Then another. Job’s chest was covered in bullet holes. With his last breath, he cursed The Hasbro Brothers. Then he dropped to the floor, dead. Satan placed both hands on his hips. “You cheated! I was about to land on Free Parking and everything!” screeched Satan. God gave Satan a backhand across the mouth. “Why can’t you be more like Job’s dead wife and never talk back?” asked God. Satan began to weep. “And maybe I’ll get big fake breasts like that bitch, too!” screamed Satan, who ran into the bathroom and locked the door. God sighed and tossed Job’s body into the burning fireplace.

I can’t even win at a simulated version of Life…

THE END

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