In The Wake Of The Aaron Hernandez Fiasco, Patriots Sign Free Agent Tight End George Zimmerman

This entry was posted on Jul 10 2013

With the 2013-2014 NFL season quickly approaching like an escaped rabid coyote from my loosely fortified coyote ranch, the New England Patriots have some holes to fill in their roster if they intend to remain a contender for the sport’s highest honor. Just like the arrogant and smug New York Yankees, the Patriots not only feel they deserve an NFL championship every year, but that they are entitled to it. And if they are to make such an outrageous claim this year, they will need to fill the void at tight end. With Rob Gronkowski’s season in doubt after his two hundredth surgery in the past month, and Aaron Hernandez being charged with murdering his friend, Odin Lloyd, the Patriots will have to look into free agency to address the lack of depth at tight end. And the only logical choice is to sign George Zimmerman. Sure, Zimmerman has had a tumultuous career, but I think he’s just the veteran presence New England needs to light a fire under their offense and take them straight to Hell… err, I mean, a Super Bowl. The Patriots are no strangers to having killers on their team after all. Aaron Hernandez is a best friend killer, Tom Brady is a lady killer… With all these chickens in the pot, the cluck stops here: The New England Patriots will once again be World Champions.

Do you really think this media darling is capable of murder? Well, sure he is! That's actually a pre-requisite for playing in the NFL.

But maybe they don’t have to sign Zimmerman? A high profile player of his caliber will surely demand a huge signing bonus, along with an annual salary that will push the team close to the cap every year while he’s on the roster. With Gronko poised to never play again (he just had another surgery while I wrote that last sentence), the Pats should just stick with Hernandez. “Uh, but Joe, that guy is probably going to prison! What the Don DeLillo are you talking about?” asks the uneducated and sexually inadequate reader. Guys, come on, that dude is not going to prison. He plays football in the NFL. That’s the National Football League. And this is only his first murder. He needs at least five more DUI’s, three more drug possession charges, and a rape before this guy is even considered a backup tight end, let alone a felon. Football is the only thing that matters in this country and if it’s one thing we’ve learned over the years, it’s that America doesn’t care what you do off the field, as long as you bring it on the field (e.g. Ray Lewis, Ben Roethlisberger, Donte Stallworth, etc). Unless you were around people that killed dogs or shot yourself in the leg (e.g. Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress). In those cases the public will relentlessly turn on you… Dogs trump people in our world.

That being said, why hasn’t this whole Aaron Hernandez thing been dropped yet? He had almost 1,000 receiving yards in 2011, let it go. Hernandez was going to have a breakout year and now because some whiny family can’t just collect their “keep quiet money” and move on, the Patriots’ season is in jeopardy. What’s become of this world? People used to care about the important things, like when professional athletes could kill whoever they wanted without any repercussions. Well, I’m here to set the record straight. Because there’s something you people don’t know. There’s something the world doesn’t know. Aaron Hernandez and Odin Lloyd are close personal friends of mine, and I was there the night that he died. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I’m not in the NFL, so I didn’t think I could get away with it, you know? But now I see that the highest stature a person can reach in this country means nothing anymore. It’s time that the truth was heard. Did Aaron Hernandez murder Odin Lloyd? You bet he did. But Odin was being a real asshole that night and kind of had it coming. This is how I remember it…

The three of us were out living the dream. We were celebrating Gronkowski’s latest surgery. Now the path was clear for Hernandez to be the Patriots’ starting tight end. “This feels incredible,” started Aaron. “Like I’m riding a unicorn across a rainbow.” Aaron would always get overly poetic when drunk. “Yeah man, shits tight,” I replied. We started doing body shots off of huge breasted women. We were getting countless underage groupies pregnant in bathroom stalls. We were shooting each other in the legs with unregistered handguns and drowning dogs in buckets of water. There was no telling how high our star would rise. But then Odin started up with that heroin shit again, and anytime he started up with that heroin shit, shit just got cray. In case you people don’t know, Odin was dating the sister of Aaron’s fiancée. Aaron loved his girl and would do anything for her. And she was never thrilled with her sister dating such a lowlife like Odin. Anyway, Odin starts shooting heroin into his neck and dick. Like, right down his urethra. It was intense. The nightclub pretty much stopped dead in it’s tracks. The DJ stopped the music, it was completely silent. Everyone was staring at Odin as he carefully placed the needle into the tip of his dick. The only thing audible  was the heavy panting of Odin himself. It was really uncool, we go to that club all the time.

Needless to say, the bouncer asked us politely to leave. The bouncer (another mutual friend between the three of us), was practically in tears having to ask two of his best pals and Odin to leave the club that he’s built his reputation on. Odin didn’t take getting thrown out well. He was constantly being thrown out of places for his raucous, horrible behavior. This was the hamburger that broke the turtle’s back. He spit right in the bouncer’s face, which was like, so dick. He wiped away the spit, but not without some tears. Breaking his tough guy character, the owner of the club had no choice but to fire him. We loved that guy. He always carded us before we entered the bar. It made us feel young and he knew that. The next bouncer would probably wave us right through, making us feel old and decrepit. But these were not the thoughts that went through Odin’s head. He only had one thing left on his mind. “Come on, guys. I want to go back to Aaron’s house and bang out his fiancée,” said Odin. Odin wanted to cheat on his own girlfriend (Aaron’s fiancée’s sister) by banging Aaron’s fiancée (his girlfriend’s sister). It was pretty much the worst thing he could have said to us. And when he said it, he was making direct eye contact with Aaron. It’s like he didn’t even care!

We decided to walk back to Aaron’s house since we were all too intoxicated to operate a motor vehicle. We spent the majority of that walk trying to talk Odin out of his plans to ruin the lives and relationships of all these people. This stuff was hard to keep track of and wrap your head around. Odin wouldn’t listen. “Hey Aaron, would it be alright if I had both your fiancée and my girlfriend at the same time? You know, like sexually?” Odin asked. Aaron and I assumed it was a rhetorical question, but Odin seemed to be waiting for an answer. I could see Aaron getting angrier and angrier. He was clenching his five year chip he received from completing anger management so hard I thought it would diffuse through his skin and enter his bloodstream. And then it did diffuse through his skin and entered his bloodstream! That’s when I knew I had very little time to pacify this situation before Aaron lost his cool. “Hey Odin, why don’t you cut it out, man,” I said, even doing the hand gesture Dave Coulier used to make on Full House. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to cool out…” Odin started. “I’m going to cool out Aaron’s fiancées stomach… with uh, my semen… ‘cause um, the stomach is acidic and my semen… is, uh… basic. And that’ll neutralize…” Odin trailed off. Odin got phenomenally bad grades in chemistry, I don’t know where the guy was going with that shit. He was probably insinuating that she would swallow his load or something, but like, shut up man. That’s when Aaron had enough. He walked across the street to the 24-hour gun store, applied for a pistol license, selected the appropriate firearm for a beginner, waited for the necessary background checks to be completed, registered the firearm, walked back across the street, and shot Odin in his fat fucking face. “Oh snap!” I started. “We better get rid of this body.” Aaron shrugged. “Nah, let’s just leave it right here with a bunch of evidence that incriminates me, then go back to my house and destroy my home security system.” I didn’t question it, he was the professional.

Aaron Hernandez only killed Odin Lloyd when he had no other options. We tried reasoning with him, but all Odin wanted to do was cheat on his girlfriend and defile Aaron’s fiancée. It was wack. Should Aaron Hernandez have to go to prison to pay for the murder of a monster? Yeah, probably. But let’s just make it during the off-season, because that dude has got a championship to win. But if our corrupt legal system decides that Hernandez must pay for his crimes, then George Zimmerman is just the next logical choice for the Patriots. Oh, and as for George Zimmerman’s trial, well, let’s just say that guy is just white (ish) enough to get away with it and play football.

Oh, gross... This guy is really fat. Scratch that, this guy is going to prison. Fat guys go to prison.

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