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After Monteith’s Death, Lea Michele Overdoses… On My Dick!

This entry was posted on Aug 06 2013

Lea Michele’s boyfriend is dead, and no matter how many sad tribute songs the Glee cast sings next season, he’s going to stay dead. I mean, unless they re-cast his character with a very similar looking white male. In that case he would stop being dead, but only in the fictional world of Glee. But no matter how good that Cory Monteith clone looks, Lea Michele will always know in her heart that he’s still totally dead. Like, #deadandnevercomingback. With her life in shambles, because I’m assuming he was her everything (most girls think this way), she is going to need a new man to walk down the red carpet with. Lea Michele, I’m calling you out. It’s been almost a month; it’s time to move on. You and I need to start having sex on a regular basis and our emotions need to intertwine like some perverse, unholy strand of relationship DNA. I understand you were probably in “love” with this dude, but it’s time to grow up.

Cory Monteith was their biggest failure... Condemned.

Let’s address the elephant in the room, because this is a huge goddamn elephant and it’s breaking all my furniture. Cory Monteith just died. My gut tells me Lea Michele is not going to be ready to start a new torrid love affair just let. I don’t know, it must be my misogynistic intuition. What the hell is she waiting for? Doesn’t she realize that she’s 26? In two years her baby making organs are going to dry up and that biological clock is going to be as dead as Cory Monteith. Now, I know what you’re going to say… Joe, you don’t even have an interest in having children. Yeah, that’s very true. But here’s the thing, I really like the idea that after about three months of us dating, Hollywood people are going to be constantly asking her when we are going to have kids. That’s going to drive her crazy, and I can imagine getting a real kick out of her frustration. People will just ask me questions like “how’s the sex?”, and I will respond with a shrug of the shoulders, which would be interpreted as “good enough.” I want to keep her striving for perfection, you know? These maneuvers will force Lea Michele out of her comfort zone and make her self-conscious enough to begin a romantic entanglement with me. But first I need to make her forget about her dead boyfriend. To be honest, after two paragraphs I kind of expected her to be over it by now, but my agent (my dog) just told me she’s still hung up on that guy. I bet she still wants to attend the funeral! Babe, there’s other dick in the sea.

I have a few ideas to make Lea Michele forget about Cory Monteith and fall head over heels in love with me. These are my top three.

A) My first idea is brilliant, so brilliant in fact that there really won’t be any reason to even consider the other two phenomenal ideas I’ve cooked up in my broiler of genius because this one is so tits. I make a list of Lea Michele’s hottest friends and family members (all female, don’t be crude you rascals) and begin very serious romantic relationships with them. I tell them my deepest, darkest secrets and open up to all of them like never before. I will share things no one knows. They will trust me like no man before. I will make passionate and intense love to each of them. Before doing this, I will participate in several sex seminars with world renowned experts in the carnal arts, so that these women experience the most violently amazing orgasms of their entire lives. They will never reach this level of ecstasy with another man. I will date these women for years. I will propose to them, they will accept, and we will be married. I will have children with these women. We will move to the suburbs, start a life together, and raise these children to the best of my abilities. All the houses will be in the same neighborhood so that I can sneak into each family’s life at a moment’s notice to keep up appearances. They will never know because of my cunning. They will be so deep in love with me that they wouldn’t know what to do without me. Then I’ll destroy them. Abandon the entire family, disown the children, break their fucking hearts. They will all run to Lea Michele to tell her how they blew it with the one perfect guy. Each sad tale of heartbreak will touch Lea Michele more and more. She will have a desperate, insatiable need to find me and make her move. She must have the perfect man all for herself.

B) FILE NOT FOUND.

C) FILE NOT FOUND.

Relax Lea, there's enough banging for both of you.

Alright, so I didn’t really come up with three great ideas. After I came up with the first one, I fell asleep. I was on a substantial amount of painkillers, and I was mixing them with alcohol. Whatever, I’m in recovery. I received my four hour chip at the last meeting and everyone was really proud of me. Like, so proud. Anyway… This plan will be tough to pull off without some money. I’m kind of going to depend on Lea Michele to be the breadwinner in the relationship… I was going to need some help, because clearly the banks aren’t going to give me that many loans with my credit score. I needed some advice on the manner. My ex-girlfriend (whom I was with for almost three years) seemed to be the best person to go to since she would be able to provide a fresh perspective on how I should attain a new girlfriend. She refused to let me use her real name, so we settled on her nickname while we dated. This is the conversation we had…

Joe: Do you think Lea Michele and I would make a good couple?

Bearclaw: lol I have no idea… not that I think you’ll ever actually meet her.

Joe: Her boyfriend just died like the other day. That Glee guy. Do you think she’s over that yet, or do you think she’s still probably crying and shit?

Bearclaw: I’m gonna go with crying and shit.

Joe: How long do you think I should wait? Like, when is she going to be over it? How long did it take you to get over me, like forever right?

Bearclaw: You didn’t die… as for how long you should wait, shouldn’t you be running this by Alicia? Lol

(Alicia is my current girlfriend)

Joe: Alicia loves me; she wants me to be happy. And deep down, she knows I will be happy with Lea Michele. What do you think is the best way to win her over, naked pictures or chunks of my hair?

Bearclaw: Ummm I’m gonna say neither…and why Lea Michele of all people?

Joe: Well, she’s recently single and she’s crazy hot. Oh, and damaged (now at least).

Bearclaw: There are plenty of way hotter people out there. Not necessarily recently single and damaged though so maybe not. Or at least not meeting your criteria.

Joe: Alright, name three hotties. People I should be focusing my energy on.

Bearclaw: You shouldn’t be focusing your energy on anyone! You have a girlfriend already!

Joe: Oh my God, you’re so jealous of Lea Michele!

Bearclaw: What?!

Joe: You’re getting so worked up about this, you either really have a hatred for Lea Michele for stealing my attention, or maybe you’re kind of attracted to her yourself…?

Bearclaw: Neither…I just support relationships lol. Also think she’s kinda weird looking sometimes, but more because her boyfriend just died and yours is still alive, so yeah not a good combo.

Joe: I can’t believe I never noticed this before, you’re so transparent… You’re in love with Lea Michele! Well, you can’t have her! She’s mine!

Bearclaw: -______- You’re crazy.

Joe: Crazy about Lea Michele.

Bearclaw: Whatever you say.

Joe: Anyway, so you do think her boyfriend JUST dying is gonna be a problem?

Bearclaw: YES.

Joe: I see… And is it alright if I post this conversation into the Lea Michele article I’m writing?

Bearclaw: No, not at all.

Joe: I see… You uh, you know I’m going to have to use this conversation, right?

Bearclaw: You better not use this conversation.

Joe: Thanks in advance! You’re the best!

Bearclaw: I hate you.

(We’re still like, totally great friends!)

Lea Michele! We’re perfect for each other. I like monkeys, you like monkeys. I like goats, you like goats. It’s like God crafted the two most beautiful people of all-time from the same sexy mold, but then Cory Monteith stormed the walls of Heaven and separated us, stealing her away from me, forcing me to walk the Earth alone, quelling my vast sexual needs by banging every attractive woman that crosses my sight. That wasn’t fair to those women, Cory. They wanted to have me for themselves, but I was already spoken for. But finally, God stuck down that guy, and gave the world a chance to gaze upon greatness. Lea Michele, with me, for eternity. Lea, I’m ready to accept you into my life and fulfill prophecy. Unless you’re not interested, in which case… Fuck you! I can have anyone! I don’t need you! I hate you!

Yeah, yeah! Hump Monteith's grave!


10 Responses to “After Monteith’s Death, Lea Michele Overdoses… On My Dick!”

  1. lea michele shouldn’t hump the grave that is for dead people only it belongs to Cory Monteith’s family


  2. This is so disrespectful…..


  3. Fuck you this is so disrespectful


  4. what the actual fk


  5. omg! so rude!


  6. You are really mean.. Now matter what Every body and this rotten stinking mean world says about him and lea I will still love cory forever….


  7. Do you realise how rude that was. It takes more than one month to get over your loved one passing away. I wasn’t an obsessed Cory Monteith fan but he is a human. He was an amazing actor and a genuine person who deserves respect. Lea and you will never be together or bang because you are a rude person who only thinks about themselves. He is missed by family and friends greatly because he was a son, brother, idol, role model, partner and more. This is a person you are talking about, show some respect and grow up! R.I.P Corey.


  8. Wow. I am SO disgusted right now, you are a rude person that thinks you are funny, and should deleate this, oh, here is a thought, Lea likes nice, caring people like Cory, she would never like someone like this


  9. There are no words harsh enough to describe how disgusting you are. But I will say, and I am SERIOUSLY keeping it cool her, I hope a porcupine climbs up your dick. I hope it crawls all the way up your pig body into your throat, and then I hope it explodes. But most of all, I hope when you die, everyone treats you like this. Your transparency makes me shake with rage. “Alicia’s” dick is bigger than yours (not like it’s a challenge), by the way. When you look in a mirror I hope what you see is a monster.

    R.I.P Corey Monteith


  10. you guys are ass whole like seriously if it say what i think its say he was my idole today right know i just found out and he did what he did bc you guys yall dont know how it feels do you get bully for having a dream or just being you or being poor i have tryed plenty of time he just seceeded it bad enough he dead doant mean insalt him like wow and for a honorable person glee could have done better so could have mellisa he inspired me to try for a scalarshp to holliwood schools and i got in he was the best thing that happened to me i diidnt know him personaly but still and no one deserves to die not you guys not no just think how would you feel i should kill myself and blame it on you so you will have lve with it but im not bc i love myself and cory menteith showed me that I LOVE YOU CORY MENTEITH

    love shyshy – RIP CORY MENTEITH


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