Tegan And Sara Probably Don’t Bang Each Other

This entry was posted on Oct 21 2013

The Canadian indie rock duo that is Tegan and Sara has been on the scene now since 1995 and they have never been more gay. If you are not already privy to this information, I’ll inform you now that Tegan and Sara are indeed identical twin sisters, both of whom are openly gay. But get this shit, both of them are actually pretty attractive. What are the odds that both  identical twin sisters would be above average in the looks department? I’d say at best, a 32 percent chance that these identical twins are both makin’ it happen physically. I’m no mathematician, but I’m always right 102 percent of the time. One of my best friends is a math major studying to become a math teacher and/or an actuary and/or unemployed and it kills him, literally kills him, that I’m so much better at math than he is. The pain, jealousy, and inferiority that he feels every single moment of every single day is slowly manifesting itself as cancer in all of his most tender and vulnerable areas. I out math him constantly, and it’s pathetic. He’s pathetic. But my point is, math wise, I kinda fucking know what I’m talking about. Thus, my estimation of both identical twin sisters looking that bangin’ being only 32 percent, and it being wrong, that these girls have defied the odds and decided that they won’t just look exactly the same, but also be exactly the same level of hotness? It’s proven my math incorrect in this particular situation. Which is not cool. It’s the equivalent of a Down Syndrome kid telling Copernicus , “uh, the Sun is over there, dude.” It’s like Shakespeare writing a play in his study, but not getting a blowjob from a man at the same time. It’s un-American.

But hey, I’m not bitter about it. I don’t dwell on such trivial things such as my strengths being weaknesses. Tegan and Sara are both attractive, and now I’ve moved on. However, there is still one question plaguing the mind of every man, woman, and child on this planet. Both of these girls are hot lesbian sisters, huh? Well, do they bang each other? Fair query, no doubt. In fact, it’s such an obvious concern that if you try and tell me you have actually never wondered whether or not they bang each other, well you’re the real bigot. Where do you get off not wanting to know whether these lesbian sisters get down and dirty with incest? It’s fundamental knowledge. Listen, everyone loves lesbian porn (let me preface this with “when both chicks are hot”). So this is all fair game. Lesbians have sex with other lesbians. Tegan and Sara are both lesbians. Heterosexual sisters sometimes get down with each other. So, Tegan and Sara… What’s the deal, you guys scissor or what?

I’m going to ruin this topic for everyone right now. Tegan and Sara probably don’t bang each other. The fundamentally disturbing incestuous point being moot, there is a more relevant reason why they probably don’t bang each other. Because let’s face it, if Tegan and Sara banged each other, there would be no war. What would anyone have to fight about? Every time Palestine and Jewish Land had some squabble, they’d just play Tegan and Sara’s 2009 album “Sainthood” and all would be forgiven. Anytime an Al-Qaeda suicide bomber starts strapping C4 to his chest with plans to walk into a Washington D.C. elementary school, he could just set his iPod to play Tegan and Sara’s hit dingle “Closer”. Why, if Adolf Hitler ever crawled out of his grave because some dumb schlub in 1945 buried that dude in a pet cemetery and he reanimated and start sprinting toward the Rhineland, intent on eating the brains of every Rhinelandian, someone could just Fonzy the jukebox and guess what would play? Some Tegan and Sara? Yeah, you bet your fat ass some Tegan and Sara would start blarin’ out that jukebox! Zombie Hitler would spit those brains right back into the skull he’d just cracked open and start dancing right there in the bar! How could he NOT dance? Those lesbians can write some music, man! His feet would be mesmerized by those melodies! How do I know Tegan and Sara probably don’t bang each other? ‘Cause Zombie Hitler hasn’t started his Fourth Reich!

But alas, the sad truth is war exists. Thus, Tegan and Sara probably bang other chicks. I mean, maybe after a few drinks they at least watch the other bang… Maybe Tegan finds some frumpy little thing after a show, gets her drunk, and has her way with her while Sara watches? People, we can still dream. But if you’re waiting for the day where the new Tegan and Sara music video features the two of them rolling around on each other in white hot sin, think again. Tegan will think twice before she touches that girl. If she comes around she’s gonna feel the burn. The burn obviously in this case being Satan’s Hell-fire. Don’t wait for that video, for it shall never come. You guys are just going to have to get out of bed, go to your menial jobs, and take out your troubles and frustrations on your subordinates. Oh, and if you got that Eve 6 reference before, you’re cool.

That's what homosexuals call heterosexuals: "Straggots". Straight + (well, you know) = Straggot. Personally, I find it very offensive.

2 Responses to “Tegan And Sara Probably Don’t Bang Each Other”

  1. ….. I kind of just want to say, this was immature, disgusting and a pain to read. I know it was supposed to be funny, but….it kinda sucked…no offense but, Tegan and Sara are both very talented and beautiful, and a heck of a lot more successful then you. Even if they were straight they definitely wouldn’t want you, and most likely neither would any other woman in her right mind. But, they do seem kind of cesty at times.

  2. This was a shit read. You should probably delete this and then all the other trash you have written. Do you get off fetishing lesbians and projecting your sick fantasy on to them? Just because you fuck your sister does not mean everyone else does.

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