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Turkey Is Great, But We Could Eat More!

This entry was posted on Nov 28 2013

The absolute best part about Thanksgiving, and I’m sure you’ll all agree with me on this, is being the one to take the life of the turkey you and your family will feast upon. Nothing is sweeter than watching the light fade from that godless beast’s eyes before breathing in its soul as it attempts to escape that lifeless vessel and climb its way toward animal Heaven. But that soul never gets there, does it? No, we capture it deep within our lungs and harness it’s energy for more evil. For as long as we can remember, the turkey has been the symbol of this great November holiday. Usually around this time of year I like to spend my energy talking about how great Columbus was and how slaughtering the Native American scourge was essential to establishing democracy, but this year I want to pay homage to our animal brethren. Each year these little guys gobble their way right into our hearts, and eventually our stomachs. And they’re delicious, like, crazy delicious. I pity those self-righteous vegetarians and vegans who are totally missing out on devouring the moist, tender flesh of these birds whose only crime was circumstance. Yes, circumstance. You know that new Red Bull commercial that shows the Pilgrim and Native American walking toward those farm animals and then the pig shares its energy drink with the others and they fly away (due to the wings), but there’s none left for the turkey, thus the turkey is the one eaten for Thanksgiving? That wasn’t clever writing; that’s based on fact. That’s how it happened. Turkeys are butchered every year for our gluttonous pleasure because of bad luck which, admittedly, is unfair. So maybe we should mix it up every now and then.

Red Bull is very aware of historical accuracy.

One of my favorite hypothetical questions to ask people is, ‘what endangered animal you would eat if given the opportunity?’ For the sake of argument, let’s say that whatever animal you choose would be prepared by a five-star chef and would be 100% guaranteed disease-free. There will be no chance of getting sick from eating it. Also, everyone in the world is totally alright with this happening, regardless of what beloved creature you choose. No matter how many are left. If you decide to consume the last Galapagos Penguin, no one will care. When you swallow that final morsel of Red Panda, the President of PETA will give you a high-five and ask you how it tasted. You can absolutely inhale an entire Snow Leopard without having to worry about being cast off as a social pariah. Paranoid about being excommunicated? Heavens no! Just finish up your Sri Lankan Elephant, it’s getting cold! And you better eat all of it. There are kids in Ethiopia chowing down on their dirt sandwiches, don’t ya know? Those kids aren’t privileged enough to be able to eat an endangered species. So, with all this information, what animal would you eat?

Without a care in the world, you say? Well, let me strap on my bib and fill my feedbag with Dugong! Which, by the way, is not just a Pokémon, but a real animal (so it turns out). I would suggest that every year we eat something different for Thanksgiving right off the Endangered Species list. I have graciously stepped forward to pick out the first three entrees. Oh snap! I just noticed something amazing! This list is organized by level of endangerment. It goes from “least concern” to “near threatened” to “vulnerable” to “endangered” to “critically endangered.” I personally always answered my own hypothetical question with either Bald Eagle (nothing more patriotic than that!) or dolphin. There was an episode of Futurama where they eat some dolphin (along with other endangered species) and it looked like the tits. But for my first new Thanksgiving article in three years, I’ll go against the grain and choose some new and exciting creatures to eat! And just for fun, let’s take all three choices from the “critically endangered” part of the list!

1) Yangtze Finless Porpoise

This guy just looks so meaty! I have a hunger erection already! It looks tender and soft and looks to be enough for the whole family! It doesn’t look too healthy though… Just the way we like it, right guys? American loves fatty, greasy foods and this guy looks like the fattest, greasiest thing in the ocean! But not for long. Mmmmm! Personally, I could see porpoise being good with some soy sauce. It should definitely be marinated overnight so the flavors can really flourish. It’s a heavy meal. Make sure you have plenty of starches for sides to compliment this down and dirty, Southern-style dish. Chicken fried porpoise? Yes, please!

This would look great on the Long John Silver's menu!

2) South China Tiger

What a beautiful and majestic creature. The only way the South China Tiger could look any more incredible would be between two sesame seed buns. It seems to me that this tiger has the perfect amount of fat and muscle which, in my opinion, would make an excellent filet. You could cook this guy up barbecue style. Or maybe a good stir fry? The sky is the limit when you’re working with good ingredients. And who doesn’t love Chinese food? I think that’s a big selling point as well.

I have literally never been hungrier. And I've been to Shake Shack.

3) Leatherback Turtle

I was hesitant thinking about eating a turtle. But the more I contemplated it, the hungrier I became. I imagine a Leatherback Turtle being a lot like soft-shell crab. And how leathery could it really be? Beef jerky is tough and a lot of work, but we all eat it by the bag full. Fruit leathers are another comparable texture. But sure, some people are going to be turned off by the shell aspect. Well, that’s what turtle soup is for! I know, I know, it’s a bit cliché. But while sipping your soup, just consider that there are not many of these guys left and you’re really going to be one of the few people on the planet who get to savor this gift from God. Yum!

You won't out swim my stomach, buddy!

This is America, and this is our Thanksgiving! Why should we limit ourselves to only one dish? This country was founded on variety! (Except when it came to having more than one race…) We can’t eat just ONE thing. We have to eat a BUNCH of things. We need to petition against these restrictions. World Wildlife Federation, tear down these walls! Happy Thanksgiving!

*In case this article made you hungry (and it definitely did) here’s the WWF’s link to their dinner menu*

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