The Best Of The Worst!

This entry was posted on Dec 29 2013

Propositioning my family, friends, and co-workers (not to mention the occasional vagrant) with hypothetical questions that will either stimulate interesting conversation or lead to an emergency room visit is one of my favorite things to do. I know, I know, I bring up the topic of hypothetical’s relentlessly in my essays, but it’s only because I adore them and hate you. Never tell me how many times to bring up a topic. I might make my next ten thousand articles about hypothetical questions simply to irritate you into suicide. And it would work too, because I’m very irritating. I addressed one of my three cherished questions in my recent Thanksgiving article, “Turkey Is Great, But We Can Eat More!”, where I asked which endangered animal you would eat if there were no consequences to your actions. Another one involves shot glasses filled with a homeless man’s diarrhea and a baby, but that explanation is for another time. Today, it’s a simple question. Would you rather be the best of the worst, or the worst of the best?

In my travels, I have discovered that most people choose the latter. They feel compelled to be apart of greatness, even if that means being the bottom of the greatness totem pole. I myself lean towards the former option. Sure, you’re the best of the worst, but at least you’re the best at it, right? Are you an idiot? Are you shitty at what you do? Definitely, but you’re the best shittiest guy doing it. All those other assholes sucking at the same thing you suck at? They’re still doing it worse. You’re the King of the Idiots. The Potentate of the Morons. The Czar of the Blockheads. The Kaiser of the Neanderthals. And let me tell you something, looking down at these slugs, makes you feel pretty damn good. Makes it real easy to forget that you’re part of the worst. They look up to you, man! These creatures are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. But you’re shoving that square peg into a rhombus hole! Yeah alright, you’re still fucking it up. But you’re a lot closer than they are! Rhombuses are just squares born with a genetic abnormality, but a square and circle aren’t even the same race! If a square and circle went steady during the pre-Civil rights era they would fire hosed!

And on the otherside of this equation you have the option of being the worst of the best. Do you even understand how depressing that actually would be? You’re in with the best. You know you’re one of the best. But you’re also the worst one. Everyone in your group is laughing at you. They think you’re a loser. You can’t keep up with these guys! Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to know you’re one of the best, but be treated like you’re one of the worst by your own peers? That’s the kind of thing that leads to an eating disorder. I know, I’ve inflicted countless eating disorders on weaker people below me. Being the worst of the best isn’t worth it, because you’re still the worst. You’re better off swallowing your pride and just get awesome at being shitty.

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