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Invest in Nuclear Powered Daycare!

2 Comments | This entry was posted on Mar 22 2011

Hey, do you want a million dollars? Of course the answer is yes. Everyone wants a million dollars. Do you know how much stuff you can buy with a million dollars? Remember in the movie “Blank Check” that 13 year old kid illegally forges a check? He fills it in for 1 million dollars, cashes it in, and is living the life. He bought a castle, hired a personal driver/fat friend, starts dating a beautiful 30 year old woman, and bought every toy featured in a nickelodeon commercial over the past five years. That is based off a true story and that could be you living the life you always dreamed of.  Except the opportunity I’m going to offer you today is actually legal. What they didn’t show you in the movie was what actually happened in real life. That woman he was bangin stole all his money (because all women are whores) and fucked his limo driver/friend in front of him. The kid was arrested, tried, and sentenced as an adult for stealing that money and is still rotting in federal prison as we speak. He got roomed with Big Gay Lamar and is now his bitch. Big Gay Lamar is the meanest and gayest convicted murder in cell block C and he mercilessly beats that kid until his body is nice and soft. The kid’s only joy in life is his terrible cigarette addiction and Big Gay Lamar only allows him this pleasure after he receives his morning and evening rim jobs.

Now Big Gay Lamar is the one with the "blank check" and he cashes it in every day... inside that kid's ass.

The point is… don’t forge checks. If you want a million dollars just invest with me. I’ve got a fool-proof plan to make millions. If this earthquake/tsunami in Japan has taught us anything it’s that nuclear power is simple and completely safe. There isn’t much that can go wrong. It withstood a huge earthquake and a huge tsunami and it’s still standing and fully functional like nothing ever happened. At certain points during the last week they actually sent all the nuclear engineers home and said take a couple days off, paid vacation. There was so little to do. So I got to thinking.

INTRODUCING: RadioACTIVE! Playtime Nuclear Fission Facility… the next generation of nuclear power plant/day care centers. Since the nuclear engineers have so little to do besides take readings every couple hours… instead of paying them to sit on their rumps and jerk off, lets have them also be the primary caretakers for children ages 2-7! Now I know what you are thinking. Your initial concern is what do these nuclear engineers know about babysitting small children? Nothing. That’s why we won’t hire nuclear engineers. We’ll hire babysitters who will serve as nuclear engineers on the side. We’ll have them take some 10 hour nuclear fission safety class or whatever we can find cheep on the internet and then they’ll be ready to start multi-tasking! This is also an effective human resources strategy because that means we don’t have to pay for college degrees or master’s degrees. We can pay these babysitters just above what The Home Depot pays their cashiers to ensure we get the cream of the crop. For between $11 and $14 dollars per hour we will get the best America’s high school drop out talent pool has to offer.

LOW EXPENSES, ALL PROFIT: The great thing about Nuclear Power Plants are that there are so many places to cut corners and save money! First of all if we buy less expensive black market knock off equipment we can save on start-up costs right off the bat. There will be no security either, we will steal a “This house is protected by The Sloman Shield” lawn sign and stick it on our lawn. That will let potential burglars/terrorists know we mean business. We will save money by not drug testing our employees. Instead we will go with a much more cost effective way of insuring our employees are staying clean and honest. The honor system. We aren’t the moral police and this ain’t church. We reserve the right to withhold the offending employees last check if they overdose during their shift. We will also get massive tax breaks if we hire convicted sex offenders straight out of prison so of course they will be in charge of watching over the children because who better to keep track of supple little children better than those guys?

Another key benefit to having these Nuclear Power Plants double as Day Care Facilities is that we will also be receiving free labor. Starting at the age of two we will enter these children into a our junior nuclear engineer program where we will teach these children the basics of nuclear engineering and by the time they are 5 years old they will be performing routine patience on the core and the reactors. #1 since they aren’t officially employees we won’t have to pay them a wage or offer them medical insurance and #2 this will keep us from having to pay professionals to do the more dangerous work.

One of our most accomplished "Junior Engineers" in our state of the art playpen.

COMMUNITY OUTREACH: These communities will love us. Not only will we give tours of the facilities to the public but we will also turn it into a hostel and provide cheap housing for homeless drifters and run-away. The cores all gave plenty of room, a built in pool, and lots of heat.  The reason why purchasing a RadioACTIVE! Playtime Nuclear Fission Facility franchise will be a much lower risk investment than lets just say a “Subway” for instance is that there is so much less that can go wrong. If you own a subway and you serve someone a bad sandwich they can get food poisoning and die. The family can sue you and BAM! You’re bankrupt and a loser. But worst case scenario if you own one of our franchises is the reactors melt down. And the worst that can happen in that scenario  is some radiation gets released and some of the local animals start growing a little larger than normal. Now the neighborhood flower gardens are all blooming and you turned your local community into a paradise. The people are growing delicious and huge vegetables in their backyard gardens saving them money at the grocery store, their children are growing up to be big and strong and earn scholarships for football thanks to the irradiated water, and everyone has a great lawn. See? The neighborhood now loves you. The worst case scenario is really a great thing. Now the only other thing I could see you being worried about is some of the children being raped by the violent sex offenders we hire. And lets face it they the’re gonna rape the kids. Although we will make them all sign contracts that say they promise not to rape any children while they are on the clock, we know better. But hey we want that tax break. So when the children go home with strange marks on their bodies and stories for their parents we will just tell them that they are experiencing normal side effects from the radiation emitted into the playpens and a caretaker happened to have left Lifetime on the television set. That will legally cover us and the stupid and neglectful parents will buy those explanations… and a new car with the $30,000 dollar customer appreciation check you write them.

EVEN MORE PROFITS: There is a ton of room for expansion with this franchise. After months of having these violent convicted sex offenders watching/raping the children we will inform them that we will have to lay them off, because “business is slow.” Of course they will do anything to continue to have access to this pool of fresh young meat so we will begin a subscription service where they actually pay us to allow them the right to do their jobs… and “reap the benefits” of said job. BAM! More profit.

The money just keeps rolling in. I will be taking this detailed business plan to my local bank for a small business loan. Soon after the first RadioACTIVE! Playtime Nuclear Fission Facility is opened I will begin looking for investors for franchise opportunities. We will not rest until there is a franchise in every neighborhood in America. So save up your pennies and get ready to make some money!!

RadioLIVE! Classic: Third Mic Attack Ads!

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Mar 15 2011

As the race for RadioLIVE!’s third mic position heated up so did the political style attack ads the the competitors released. Let us remember these vicious and cut throat ads. Enjoy.

Kevin attack ad

Melissa Attack Ad

Greg attack ad

Ryan Attack Ad

I’ve converted to Sheenism

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Feb 28 2011

I’ve seen the light. I’ve found my way. I’ve achieved clarity of the soul. Thank you Charlie Sheen. I had considered myself agnostic for a long time. Not believing in religion, but also not being able to say for sure what was true and what wasn’t. Because hey I’m not all knowing, I could always be wrong. That truth seemed to make sense in my head but my heart was another story.  My heart knew something was missing, but never what exactly.

This is the man... no... the deity that showed me the Light!

This was a difficult time in my life, before I was reborn in the blood and semen of The Sheen. As my life spiraled out of control I had no explanations. My life was falling apart piece by piece. I started waking up early in the morning around 7 or 8 AM… going to the gym. Going to sleep… early. Eating vegetables. Focusing on my schoolwork. I stopped craving narcotic drugs and the thrill of exchanging money for sex. I don’t know how it had happened to me. Maybe I saw one too many episodes of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne? Maybe the love, family, and soul bullshit had contaminated my mind? I was in my own personal hell. This wasn’t the me I was used to. This was some pathetic shell of a bitch.

I was changing as a person. I was becoming tolerant of other lifestyles. I saw a gay couple in the mall holding hands and I DIDN’T assault them with the switch blade I always have on me.  I thought good for them and threw away the blade. I lost interest in my favorite hobbies. I closed down my dog fighting league. I started treating the dogs better and feeding them twice a week. This change in me even affected my work. I no longer took pleasure or gained fulfillment in tricking homeless people into eating poisoned sandwiches and taping them vomiting blood for my subscription website. My customers didn’t want to pay for videos of me donating warm coats to the homeless. They wanted blood and pain… but I was no longer able to provide that. I was a broken man. I had somehow gone down the wrong path.

That was all until recently when a friend of mine, Kevin, had noticed I hadn’t been my usual angry self in awhile and asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn’t know… ”I guess I just lost my passion for life.” He said he had an extra ticket for a motivational speaking event hosted by Charlie Sheen. I said I wasn’t to familiar with his work but he seemed like a decent human being so why not? And the following Monday we went. What followed saved my life.

The event started at 11:30PM and was being held in the basement of an abandoned church. Robes were required. As we took our seats I really didn’t know what to expect. I figured Mr. Sheen would just give us the standard you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it speech. I was ready to dismiss anything he could say to me, what impact could this man’s words possibly have on me? Little did I know what he had in store for us all.

Prophecy fortells that The Dark Lord Sheen will one day take his true form and rule this world with an iron fist!

When everyone was seated the lights dimmed and a naked humanoid creature came out from behind the curtains on stage, it was neither man nor woman as it had clearly had it’s genitalia burned off. It hissed at the crowd and made it’s way over to the side of the stage and started playing an organ. That’s when Charlie Sheen burst out from behind the curtains screaming, raving like a lunatic. He was holding a live chicken by the neck and a cleaver. He slammed the chicken down on the table on stage and chopped it’s head off . He than thrust the chicken’s neck to his mouth and drank all the blood that drained from it’s body. This was all so sudden I was taken aback. But I was excited… I felt alive! By the time he had fully drained the chicken of it’s red delicious life blood and was scooping it’s innards into his mouth I was hard. It was right there and then that I knew that this was a man who had insight into what life was all about.

That night Charlie spoke for hours. Most of it was babel but that didn’t matter, because we got the message. Maggots… earthworms, Jews… it was so clear. He taught everyone in that room how to live again, except for one guy who he actually killed. But he did it with a cross bow so everyone was impressed. We learned the secrets of life that night. I was indoctrinated into the oldest religion in the world (at least that’s what Charlie said), Sheenism. We learned that Charlie Sheen is the direct descendant of Satan and is over 1,000 years old. At first I didn’t know if I believed him, but he proved it by bringing out a small child on stage and tearing out his heart with his bear hands and devouring it right in front of us. Then he tore off the head and whispered an ancient incantation. We were all in awe. I was crying. How could I have been so blind? Charlie then passed around the corpse of the boy and we ate the remains! 3 hours later, after we had all learned the secrets of life, we took holy Sheen-munion at the front of the stage. Charlie opened up the child’s head and we all feasted on his brains while Charlie said a holy prayer. He sent us home that night with every episode of Two and a Half Men which he said would help continue to guide and teach us his lessons which would include: how to properly solicit and later beat to death a prostitute and how to cook with cocaine.

Charlie recommends organic cocaine for all his recipes.

Now I’m a believer. I’ve turned around my life. I’m up at all hours of the night again, I wake up only after 5pm. I subsist mostly on a diet of Meth-Amphetamines and chicken blood. But more importantly I’ve rediscovered my passion for life. I’m currently working on a shrine room (as every Sheenite must) in my house devoted to The Dark Lord Sheen and I’m using the skin of children I abduct from the park as wall paper. One day when as prophesied in Two and a Half Men Season 3: Extras: Producer’s notes, Charlie and his father Satan tag team a pornstar in my and every other Sheenite’s holy shrine room I want them to be impressed.

I believe many others will soon join the faith and come to see the light now that The Dark Lord Sheen has chosen to begin revealing his true self as only the most divine can… by calling into radio shows and writing open letters to TMZ. Of course there will be many that refuse to understand his teachings such as Chuck Lore, Executive Producer of Two  and a Half Men. The Dark Lord himself has responded with “I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.” Words of the truly divine.

The Terror Monkey's will feast on the weak!!!!

I ask you not to judge this budding religion until you taste the sweet flesh of a young child’s heart.  Come to a service. Watch as the Terror Monkeys (violent monkeys that have been starved and trained to kill by the Church of Sheen) tear apart an elderly woman dressed in a banana costume. Watch as the orgy of a thousand lemurs begins and pleasure yourself with the rest of the congregation as over 20 starved and sickly lemurs have sex for hours in front of you. And finally raise for holy Sheen-muninon at the end of service and receive Sheen himself! As you eat the child brain and drink the pornstar squirt feel the Holy Sheen flow through you. By that point you will have surely been won over!

Join me, minions in Sheen! Worship the beast! Embrace the terror! Long Live The Dark Lord Sheen!

Pongfan: Phil is being stalked!

1 Comment | This entry was posted on Jan 11 2011

Our friend Phil (featured in the prior article T3:Rise of the Phil’s) is being stalked! And honestly who wouldn’t want to stalk this man:

This is what SEX looks like.

Phil has dubbed this woman the “Swimfan.” A reference to a terrible movie where Erika Christensen becomes obsessed with a swimmer and terrorizes him. For month’s now Phil has been receiving disturbing texts, calls, and animal sacrifices in the mail. We are dealing with a terribly disturbed and love stricken young woman who will do anything to get what she wants.  She won’t rest until she rapes and kills him. And rest assured that’s exactly what’s going to happen. You can start writing your eulogies now.

This is exactly what is happening to Phil! Exactly! Except with beer pong...

We should all feel for Phil, I know I do. This is particularly troubling for him because of his past. The troubling thing isn’t that she is going to kill him because if you know Phil then you know that he’s going to die a violent death. That’s a given, but hey, That’s just the lifestyle he lives. The troubling aspect of this is the rape. He is rape-a-phobic. That means that he has an acute fear of being raped. A normal person wouldn’t mind it and would in fact welcome the opportunity to have unwanted violent sex forced upon them… but not Phil. That is one of his fears. It all stems back to his 8th birthday party. His parents wanted to give him the best birthday ever that year. And technically they did because believe me his other birthdays were worse. So for this party both his parents wanted a clown. His parents were both very cheep and they scoured Long Island for the cheapest clown duo they could fine. They settled on the convicted sex offender clown duo Julio the horny and Juan the terrible. His parents were also raging alcoholics and the day of the party they both passed out drunk leaving the children in the custody of these naughty clowns. Needless to say the clowns raped everyone there including his parents. Everybody except one boy… Phil. For the rest of his life he would wonder why they didn’t want to rape him. What was wrong with him? Wasn’t he an attractive child? How could they look at his supple body and not see the pleasure filled meat bag it surely was?  These questions haunt Phil to this day.

Why didn't they want to rape Phil? We'll never know. One day when his soul goes to heaven, I know he'll be raped by a clown. He's a great guy, he deserves it.

But back to the present situation. The story goes like this. Phil was at a party owning the beer pong table like he always does. He was running chumps off the table. Phil is the only guy I know who keeps a record of his win’s and losses playing beer pong. He has a .877 win percentage. Apparently this girl saw him and became infatuated.  She became his “Pongfan” as I prefer to call her. Phil “took advantage of her that night multiple times and then threw her away like the garbage she was.” His word’s not mine.  And he thought he was done with her. After the party she kept trying to contact him so he decided to throw her a bone because he felt bad for her. He allowed her to hang out with him in the presence of other people… but never alone. He figured that he was doing a public service. He has a heart of gold. He also figured he could get her to buy him stuff. His friends warned him though. They told him that she was mentally disturbed. They told him that she had killed before. They told him that she could be… possessive. Phil told them that if this “bitch” kept calling him the only thing she was going to possess would be a black eye. So his friends backed off. Because usually when Phil threatens to hit a girl he means it. So the hanging out continued until one party when Phil had just finished his usual ritual of taking advantage of the three drunkest girls there and leaving the scraps for his friends. On his way over to the beer pong table the Pongfan approached him and started “nagging him and shit” she asked him “I hope you had fun with your whores.” That was the last straw for Phil.

This was what Phil gave Pongfan for Christmas.

He decided his charitable efforts had gone too far and he was not to be questioned by some Pongfan. He severed ties. He stopped answering texts, calls, letters, carrier pigeons. And a few months went by and everything seemed fine. Until New Years Eve and the mass text that went horribly wrong. He accidentally included her in a mass text… that said “Happy New Years.” It’s easy to see how she took that as “I love you.” She texted Phil for the next two days and began making plans for their upcoming wedding. She had gotten as far as ordering monogrammed towels when Phil decided to break it off once again. It was the quiet before the storm.

He came back home that night to find his dog dead. “I love u” was carved into it’s side. Phil was furious that she couldn’t have just spelled out “you.” It was two more letters. Could she really be that lazy? This is where we stand today. Phil has decided not to go to the police and has purchased a gun. He says that he isn’t afraid to die and it’s either him or her. Sounds reasonable. Who knows how this is going to end? I don’t. I’m gonna go watch some TV. Later.

RadioLIVE! – Miley Cyrus Salvia Interview!

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Dec 30 2010

On the 12/20/10 episode of RadioLIVE! Frank and Joe Interviewed the great Miley Cyrus in depth. She would not stop smoking salvia. She discussed her relationship with her father, the new Hannah Montana movie, her salvia use, and her hatred for Selena Gomez.

Sony is a mess! A preview of 2011 Sony Products!

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Dec 27 2010

Oh boy… the Sony Dash? Really? Come on. For those of you that somehow don’t own one of these yet it’s a “personal internet viewer” and here is the description from BestBuy “Keep all of the convenience of the Internet at your fingertips with this personal Internet viewer that allows you to receive weather, traffic and social networking updates.” … You mean a cell phone? The commercial I saw on TV had the entire family at breakfast gathering around the Dash in the kitchen and staring in amazement as it… gave them the weather. THE FATHER WAS READING THE NEWSPAPER. You have the newspaper in your hands you jerk. READ IT! The Dash wasn’t even necessary in it’s own commercial! If you are the type of person that needs internet access away from the computer or laptop you already have a smartphone and you don’t need this. I saw in the reviews that some people were saying that they thought it was a cool alarm clock. Do you really need Facebook access or a sports ticker from your alarm clock? And at the price of $200? Stop thinking. The answer is no.

If you don't feel like using your computer, reading the newspaper, picking up your phone, or opening your laptop then the Sony Dash is perfect for you!

I emailed Sony’s CEO Howard Stringer and told him my feelings on that abortion of a product and told him to get his act together. He replied:

“Dear Frank,

Thanks for your email, we appreciate your thoughts and concerns on the Sony Dash. You are a sexy man. Thanks for the nude pics we are blowing them up and hanging them up in the office. At Sony we strive to create the most innovative products known to man, but lately we’ve slipped a little. We’ve been having a lot of office celebrations lately and there’s been a lot of alcohol leading to a lot of bad decisions. Our R&D labs have basically been used as a brothel these last couple of months. There have been countless orgies taking place in there and there are some pretty nasty STD’s making the rounds through the office. In fact we’ve had to scrap three new TV prototypes because they’ve been soaked  through with semen and delicious delicious vaginal fluid. Boy did we really have a blow out last night. Two executives got ruffied and we passed them around the office for some awesome coma rape. And just between you and me I killed my secretary last night. We were freebasing heroin and playing with my crossbow in my office and she was about to finish off my H and I meant to say “hey Connie stop! Save some for me you fucking slut” but instead I shot her through the chest with an arrow. I’m freaking out man. I don’t know how to get rid of a body. How would I even get it out of the office? I’m considering burning it in my office… actually… again this is off the record. But I’m thinking of burning this entire fucking building down with everyone inside. These people are animals. Jeff from accounting sacrificed a virgin to some beast named Beelzebub right outside his office last week. He’s trying to open up a direct gate to hell… I think he’s close. The office is starting to smell like sulfur.  Hey Frank? I’m a little bit overwhelmed right now. We probably aren’t focusing on our products as much as we should.  Anyway thanks for your constructive criticism, if I don’t burn myself and everyone in the building alive later this week we will be sure to put it to good use. Bye. Smooches.

– Howard Stringer”

The response was not surprising at all. If you are wondering how Sony has managed to stay on top for so long with management like that, the answer is pretty simple. They have Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning in their commercials. But hey Howard is a nice guy(we’ve all accidentally killed our secretary and considered burning all our co-workers alive… we’ve all been there) and he was kind enough to share a few of their upcoming 2011 products and their descriptions.

1) The E-Spoon

Now I can eat my cereal and solicit a prostitute on criagslist at the same time!

You’re a busy person. You don’t have time to not be multi-tasking! Now with the new 2011 E-Spoon you can update your fantasy teams while you eat cereal. Smartphones are so 2010. In 2011 you need a smartspoon. Want the weather? Fuck the paper, the computer, TV, radio, cell phone, or looking outside. Get it from a spoon!  The E-Spoon also serves as an E-reader. Read your favorite books, magazines, and blogs right on your spoon!

2) The SmartDildo

Now your clitoris can have it's own Facebook page!

Ladies pleasuring yourself was never this pleasurable! The SmartDildo has 3 speeds and a 10 megapixel camera at the end! Now you can post up close and personal pictures of the inside of your cooch to facebook instantly! How’s that for a status update motherfucker! It also has powerful speakers and a sub-wuffer so you will finally know what Pandora radio sounds like coming from deep inside your vagina! And Men! This is a real life saver for you too! You’re too busy to fuck your girlfriend! But with the SmartDildo you can be there… with out really being there! You can stick this in her, shut her the fuck up, and trade stocks all at once! It’s also a 3g phone so you never have to miss another important business call because the bitch wants intimate time.

Wow now those are useful and modern products! I have a feeling Howard and Sony are going to be just fine after all. Unless Howard decides to burn himself and his co-workers alive or Jeff from Accounting finally opens that gate to hell. Then it won’t be fine.