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Hey Porkers! Updates, NOW!

0 Comments | This entry was posted on May 16 2013

Listen up, you miserable bags of human waste! After months of extensive research, millions of dollars shelled out to off shore companies, and way too many late nights searching for soft-core porn that doesn’t waste our time with endless plot setup, we have finally implemented an easy way to check out the various articles written by your beloved Joe and Frank! We realized what a pain in the ass it must be to click “older entries” ten thousand times to get to the older articles. And we realized that our demographic panders to a very lazy audience, you. You people are way too apathetic and sedentary to spend time scrolling to the stuff from the past. So, you probably just don’t do it. Understandable. You guys need to spend that valuable time shooting heroin and checking out your online sex offender registrations. It’s because of that laziness that we have put a new tab into the sidebar on the left side of the page! It’s labeled as “Our Articles” and now by clicking on that tab you have immediate access to the (literally) 100 articles we have written since 2010! Damn yo, we are prolific. All the articles are listed there as links that take you straight to the article with one click of the mouse! It also shows you who wrote the article and when it was published. So check out those older articles that you’ve forgotten about! And check out the ones you might have never known existed because you don’t look at this page as frequently as you should even though you promised. Jerks…

The average DeadAirFM fan.

Update number two! We are down to the final five Morning Sickness shows that need to be posted on this site. Up to this point 19 amazing programs have been uploaded for your listening pleasure and it’s been a great experience getting to relive these shows. We have done a lot of radio, but we really hit our stride with Morning Sickness. It’s easily been some of the best stuff we have produced and we’re ecstatic that we have been able to share them with you. Five more left, starting this Monday the countdown begins. But don’t ball your fucking eyes out just yet, because we definitely have plans for future shows down the line. Morning Sickness might be coming to an end, but Radio LIVE! will live forever. Check out the homepage this Monday, as well as the following four Mondays for the last few Morning Sickness shows! And check out the Morning Sickness tab on the left side of the site for EVERY Morning Sickness we have produced and archived! Help us get more than six hits a year on this site! Help DeadAirFM reign supreme!

All my girlfriends end up like this halfway through sex.

An Exclusive Interview with Osama Bin Laden

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Mar 05 2013

DeadAirFM.com and RadioLIVE! scored an exclusive radio interview with the star of Zero Dark Thirty Osama Bin Laden. Listen!

We know NYC Cops are racist… but cannibals too?!

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Mar 01 2013

So we’ve decided to do some spring cleaning and we are going to consolidate our facebook pages for RadioLIVE! and DeadAirFM. The only place to get your DeadAirFM fix on facebook is going to be our official page. https://www.facebook.com/DeadAirFM?fref=ts Like the shit out of that. We love the degrading comments on our site so keep leaving them but don’t stop there. Come on over to our face book page and tell us how unfunny and mean we are over there also. It’ll be a page worth liking. Every once in a blue moon we’ll give away a set of anal beads or something and we won’t just be promoting our longer form posts that we put on this site.

We’ll talk about things that we don’t necessarily want to write a 1,000 word article about. Like that cannibal NYC cop Gilberto Valle who wanted to cook and eat his wife! He had been communicating with other prospective cannibals over the internet on some weird fetish sites and had been plotting to kidnap and eat women he knew. His defense attorney claims this was just a fantasy and he was never really going to attempt any of this stuff. Meanwhile the prosecutors are contending that this guy had planned these potential crimes with such detail that there was no way that he wasn’t going to go through. When I finally read all the details of this sick case for myself I think I have to side with the defense on this one so hear me out. Apparently he was plotting with some other guy to kidnap some chick, rape her, and then cook and eat her… That has to be fantasy and let me tell you why. Would you ever fuck a hamburger or a salad before you ate it? No way! What kind of a freak has sex with their food before they eat it? It’s just not logical. If you’re a real sicko you’re either going rape the woman or your going to eat the woman not both.

What is he talking about? I'd eat Beyonce!

The most disturbing part of the story?… The cannibal cop doesn’t wana eat the black girl? This is 2013… everyone knows the best part of the turkey is the dark meat. Where is Al Sharpton when you need him? I would’ve thought that we’d have made more progress in our society than this. When are people going to learn that girl meat is girl meat no matter the color!

The worst thing about this for the guy is that his new wife is leaving after she caught him chatting about how he was going to hang her upside down and bleed her out. He only married his wife (who he met on OKcupid) less then a year ago. After she divorces him and the trial is over he is going to have to totally redesign his OKcupid profile. I mean new pictures and everything. What a pain. It’s not easy to put yourself out there like that.

Okay I know he's a creep but he was actually honest about what he likes to eat. Well except that he won't try the cooked flesh of black girls.

Honestly the hint that this guy was an aspiring cannibal should have been that he’s a 28 year old male that likes The Fray… that’s just weird.

UPDATE**** I just found out Eli Roth director of Hostel and Cabin Fever is working on a new cannibal movie called The Green Inferno! This is shit is really blowing up. Everybody is eating everybody!

The kind of girl meat cannibal cop likes.

John Lennon: A Real Piece of Shit

4 Comments | This entry was posted on May 13 2012

Listen up you slugs! DeadAirFM hasn’t been doing enough advocacy lately so we’ve decided to take up a cause and make the world a better place. We started a petition to have December 8th become a national holiday celebrating a true American hero: Mark David Chapman! The man who slayed the beast! Everyone knows that John Lennon was one of the most vile human beings to ever walk this planet. I’m not even going to get into why The Beatles were horrible and people who enjoy their shitty music are morons. Joe already did that in his previous article: http://deadairfm.com/2010/10/mark-david-chapman-american-hero/ I’m not here to repeat what he has already said. There is no need. He summed it up perfectly. I’m here to explain a few things to you jerks who are demanding more “facts” in our articles and less opinions.

The Truth-O-Meter says everything in this article is true!

You want facts? Well shove these facts up your ass!
  1. John Lennon was responsible for Holocaust: Well maybe Hitler was mostly responsible for the Holocaust, but everyone knows that John Lennon was his right hand man. Most textbooks teach young students that many Jews and Gypsies were gassed to death in concentration camps. Not factual. Their collective fates were actually much worse. They were Beatled to death! In 1939 Hitler commissioned John Lennon and The Beatles to write music so horrible and so boring that it could kill a person. Well the Beatles did just that and for many years millions of poor souls were tortured to death in concentration camps all over Eastern Europe by being forced to listen to Beatles songs until their brains melted (that usually took less than 20 minutes). Lennon and Beatles were known for putting on live concerts at Auschwitz five days a week for the entire duration of the holocaust. Prisoners were forced to attend AND buy overpriced merchandise. Thankfully in Texas they are outlawing traditional textbooks (they call them Confusing Learning Paper Packs) used all over the world and replacing them with coloring books that will teach their high school students the truth about these atrocities.
  2. John Lennon invented the word “Nigger”. He was a known racist who owned fifteen slaves. When Thomas Jefferson was writing his first draft of the Declaration of Independence it originally read “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal (even blackys).” Lennon who was Jefferson’s best friend and lover, was proof reading the draft and changed it behind his back. African American’s could have had equal rights hundreds of years earlier if not for Lennon. One night Lennon was playing a very competitive game of Scrabble with Noah Webster (Creator of Webster’s Dictionary) when he cheated and made up a now infamous word: “Nigger”. He convinced Webster that it was indeed a real word, won the game… and the rest is history. If Lennon was alive today he would have given The Help a 1.5/5 stars on Rotten Tomatoes. I’m not even going to get into how he was the person who murdered Tupac but take my word for it… Tupac’s sophomore album “Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z.” was not in his Itunes library.
  3. John Lennon also went by another alias: The Chupacabra. As a young boy growing up in Mexico he used to paint himself reptile green and sneak in to nursing homes. He would then rape all the elderly female patients during the night. By the time the attendants would check in on the women the next morning they would all be pregnant with his devil seed and require the cheapest abortions that Mexican nursing homes could buy. Video and DNA evidence have confirmed that it was indeed Lennon and he was #4 on Mexico City’s most wanted list. That’s probably why The Beatles never toured Mexico. As a teen he spent a few well chronicled years in Puerto Rico draining cows of blood and mutilating herds of sheep. What else is there to say except… classic Lennon. After Lennon’s death there has not been a single Chupacabra sighting. Need more proof than that? Well ya can’t have it!

Puberty hit Lennon very hard.

Those were probably some of the worst things he’s done in his life besides engineering HIV in his basement in the 70’s, assassinating JFK, Executive Producing the final season of Entourage, flying both planes into the Twin Towers on 9/11, ruining the ending of The Six Sense for all his friends, “discovering” Justin Bieber, murdering little JonBenet Ramsey, causing Mount Vesuvius to erupt, and always forgetting to turn off his cell phone in movie theaters. He was just a real asshole and that’s why most people are glad he’s dead and burning in hell getting a bowling pin shoved up his ass by a wolf demon. You wanted facts? Well there you go! Don’t believe me? Go to your local library, take out any book about Lennon and you’ll read about all these things. Listen, you can’t make stuff like this up.

I’ve started a petition to make 12/8/1980 a national holiday because it is the day that Mark David Chapman secured his place in Heaven by shooting John Lennon in the back! Sign this petition and lets celebrate an American Bad Ass!

Danny Tamberelli suing DeadAirFM?!

2 Comments | This entry was posted on Feb 26 2012

**** Disclaimer for all the idiots out there: Most of (if not all) our articles are pure fiction or opinion and completely untrue.  That being said the following article is totally true. Nothing has been made up and I haven’t altered the emails sent to us in anyway. My opinions of Danny Tamberelli’s manager are just that. My opinions (But I know I’m right).

You work so hard for certain things in life. You have dreams. You hope. You pour your blood, sweat, and semen into your passions and every once in a while you’re rewarded. That moment may be coming soon for me and Joe! That’s right folks… We’re this close to being sued by a celebrity!… Maybe. I don’t want to get my hopes up.

As you would expect we get a lot of E-mules (Cyber donkey’s that deliver digital mail all over the world) from all sorts of crazy people ranting and raving about our articles, begging us to marry them, pleading with us to impregnate them, demanding that we actualize their rape fantasies! Most of the time we do our best to satisfy the needs of our readers… especially when it involves rape fantasies.

Joe was more than happy to oblige... a little too happy if you ask me.

So recently we’ve been receiving emails from some woman claiming to be Danny Tamberelli’s manager. In her emails she threatened to contact her attorney’s (which I take as threatening to sue) if we don’t immediately remove our smash hit Danny Tamberelli article! Danny Tamberelli: The Star that rose too high. She is claiming that the article is totally untrue and that she is going to sue us for defamation. At first I was convinced it was bullshit and just another crazy bitch… but she’s persistent so I took a closer look. These were her first two E-mules:

So after checking out her shitty website it turns out there is in fact a Noble Talent Management Agency and there seems to be an Elieen DeNobile at least according to said website. So I went forward assuming that there was a possibility that this was a real person who did indeed represent Danny Tamberelli. If she could prove to us that she was indeed representing Danny then I offered her two options: #1 We’d remove the article If Danny gave us an email interview (a very fair offer) or #2 If she sent us a professional cease and desist letter written and signed by a practicing attorney. We’re reasonable people If Danny Tamberelli doesn’t want that stuff up we would have been glad to work with him on that. Hell we would have even offered to take him out to lunch.

But the truth of the matter is we don’t even know if this bitch really represents Danny. Her shitty homemade website claims she does… but clearly anyone can create a website and make up anything they’d like. So I thought the two options I offered her were fair. If Danny gave us the interview through his facebook or they would have been professional enough to write a real cease and desist letter, then we would have known this was legit. But instead when I replied in a very polite and professional manner this was what I got back:

Wow, what a bitch right? So I contacted Ryan, DeadAirFM.com’s official attorney and this what he had to say verbatim, “Legally speaking? Tell the cunt to go fuck herself.” So that’s pretty much what we’re going to do and let me break down why:

#1 Just because she created some shitty $10 website and wrote on it that she represents Danny Tamberelli doesn’t mean that she actually does. Our website is all the proof the world needs that anyone can make up anything on the internet. So no you dumb bitch I’m not just going to take your word for it.

#2 Who the fuck does she think she is? I can just see her sitting at her computer in a pile of her own shit screaming “Do they not know who I am? Do they not know who Elieen DeNobile is?!!!” Yea… we don’t know who you are. You aren’t exactly a titan in the entertainment industry. These are some of the other clients she claims to represent: Jackson Harris, Val Emmich, Samantha Futerman, Dione Figgins… I’m not even going to bother typing anymore of these names. I don’t know who any of these people are and neither do you. I guess that’s how good a manager she is. There were two names (besides Danny) I did happen to recognize on that list: John D’Leo and Christina Ricci. First off I have no freaking clue who John D’Leo is and nor do I care. I’m sure he is a hack, all I know is that I’ve heard the name maybe once before? And if she really does represent Christina Ricci, then that might make sense… Because someone must have told her that it was a good idea to star in Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star… Hey I’m a huge Nick Swardson and Happy Madison fan and I didn’t even like that movie… This is this woman’s supposed resume and now I can see why. She can’t even craft a polite and professional email.

#3 The article in question was fiction and comedy and never claimed to be anything else. Only a moron would visit this site and believe anything they read here.  The article opens with this: “I can make any girl squirt and that’s just a god damn fact.” – Danny Tamberelli in an October, 2003 interview with Teen Nick Magazine. Yea that’s believable… Teen Nick would print that.

#4 There was no intent to harm Danny’s reputation, nor were we acting irresponsibly. He is a celebrity and celebrities get written about. We write comedy pieces that are specifically written so that they are not going to be taken seriously. We are writing comedy and nothing else.

#5 Danny Tamberelli has no damages. We didn’t hurt his career. It’s not our fault people are google searching “Danny Tamberelli Drugs.” We’re not the reason he can’t find anymore work. James Cameron wasn’t thinking about casting him as the lead in Avatar until he read our article. But I did hear that Christopher Nolan had decided to dump Christian Bale and cast Danny as the new out of shape and type two diabetic Batman in The Dark Knight before he read our piece. So I guess we owe him for that. I just did a google search on Danny Tamberelli and this is what came up:

Sounds about right.

If he were to take us to court and he did happen to win (fat chance), he would be entitled to a sandwich and he’d have to keep it under $7 dollars. That would be his level of damages.

#6 This site makes no money! We have never made money from this site and never will. Personally, Joe and I have no money. They can sue us all they like and waste all the money they want but we’re judgement proof. They would never collect a dime from us.

Listen folks, this website is comedy… most of the stuff (except the content in this article) is entirely fiction and completely made up. I know I don’t have to tell you that, because most of you aren’t fucking idiots. Some of it or all of it you might not find funny and might find offensive, but that’s your problem not ours. The truth of the matter is that Joe and I are two extremely reasonable guys. If they had contacted us in a polite and professional manner and had put ego aside, the article that offended them so terribly would be down already. Instead they assumed we were idiots and tried to bully us and now they can go fuck themselves. I still have my doubt as to whether the person emailing us isn’t just a total nut job anyway, because I have a hard time believing Danny Tamberelli is googling himself and getting worked up over poorly written articles on low traffic websites.

Danny, if you’re reading this I’d just like to say your manager is doing a horrible job of representing you (at least in this case) and now because of her reckless actions you’ve got another article up about you. Maybe you should remind her that she isn’t Ari Gold and this isn’t Entourage (By the way the final season was one of the worst seasons of a television show I’ve ever seen. It was the very definition of “mailing it in”).  If you truly want the first article taken down then you can contact us in a polite and professional way and we’d still do our best to work with you. Smooches.

Man VS Food… and food won.

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Jun 11 2011

If there is one thing that this site is known for it’s hardcore journalism. Our relentless dedication to the facts and bringing you the truth is unwavering even if the news saddens us.  I told you the truth when I reported on how Malcolm X was abducted by racist aliens carrying out the orders of their leader Elvis, I didn’t omit a single fact when I reported to you on how KFC’s chicken is actually genetically engineered mongoose, and sure as hell didn’t hold anything back when I reported that Joe only brushes his teeth twice a week and masturbates to a 6X10 Justin Bieber poster (which black light testing confirmed). So rest assured that what I’m about to report to you today is nothing but the truth. Don’t question any of it and accept it as fact. This is 2011 and critical thinking is for jackasses.  American hero and host of the show Man VS Food has been told by doctors that he has 6 months to live!

You’ve seen Man VS Food. If you are on this website and reading this page then I think it’s pretty safe to assume that you are either a woman with very large and perky breasts or a man of supreme intelligence. If you are either of those things then that probably means you’ve seen (or at least heard of) the terrific show Man Vs Food. The show’s host Adam Richman takes on food challenges of mammoth proportions from around the country.  The second star is Adam Richman, the man with an Iron Stomach. He is a very funny quick witted New Yorker who is brave enough to take on food challenges of mammoth proportions and talented enough to entertain us. The other appealing quality of Adam is that he is human. He is not a competitive eater in the mold of Joey Chestnut and he sometimes loses the competitions. That adds a level of intrigue to the show because often enough the viewer gets caught up in the drama of whether Adam will succeed or fail.

Who would have thought eating that many pancakes wouldn't be good for your health?

It seems as though years of grueling food challenges such as eating an 8 pound steak or 3 pounds of ice cream or a 6 pound burrito has taken it’s toll. Doctors have informed the Travel Channel star that he has less than 6 months to live. Sources tell me that Adam Richman’s stomach is broken beyond repair. The medical term for the condition is gastronomical colorectal corrosion. It’s such a rare condition that if you attempt to look it up on the internet or in any medical journal you won’t find anything written about it. What you need to know is that essentially the lining of his stomach has all but eroded away and now resembles swiss cheese. During a taping of an episode last year where he had to eat 50 corn dogs in a minute, one of the corn dogs (which he was swallowing whole) escaped through one of the holes in his stomach and entered his chest cavity. He had to be operated on. The emergency surgery was successful and the corn dog was removed, but that event served as a warning for Richman and the Travel Channel Executives, that his body just couldn’t handle the strain anymore.

It was decided after that incident that Richman needed a break from competing in the challenges to get healthy. I remember watching Man VS Food: Carnivore Chronicles and being puzzled by the episodes that were made up of old previously aired Man Vs Food episodes and re-edited with a new title. It was then I first become suspicious. Just the other day after turning on the television and seeing yet another reincarnation of the show called Man VS Food Nation I knew something was horribly wrong. This time Richman was traveling the country and “coaching” other people as they participated in the challenges and he watched. I knew there was only one thing that would keep him out of these challenges…  It was time for me to investigate.

He had sex with all those girls... after he ate that entire pizza. He was an American hero.

Adam Richman posted a note on the Travel Channel website insisting to all his fans that he was not sick in any way but just needed a break from the challenges. Unfortunately that wasn’t true. It’s in Adam’s contract that should he fall gravely ill from taping the show he must never acknowledge that it was shooting the show that did it. The Travel  Channel refuse to publicly acknowledge that their show is dangerous. They know they have a hit on their hands and they are already preparing for life post-Richman. They have begun casting for a new host and Man VS Food Nation is designed to ween viewers off Richman before he dies.

How has Adam coped? Not well. Sources say that when he was informed of his condition he was also clearly told that he was only allowed liquid foods. Adam’s favorite past time: eating was taken away from him and he did not take it well. He has filled the void in his life left by the absence of solid food with angry sex. He has been soliciting prostitutes on a regular basis to the point where the Travel Channel had considered offering him a new show called Man VS Hooker where he would have rough sex with hookers from all over the country. This idea was put to rest after an accident while shooting the pilot episode. Sources say Adam accidentally (or maybe on purpose) cut the throat of the hooker he was having sex with while holding a hunting knife to her throat as he usually does (for added stimulation).

Seven prostitutes have gone missing in Brooklyn (Richman’s home town) in the last 3 months. Many of the working girls are afraid to go to work and are very weary of any car that smells like fast food or takeout. The seven missing girls were all seen leaving in a Honda civic with tinted windows that reeked of bacon and they were never seen again.

Celeste went missing that night and hasn't been seen since...

My sources tell me that Richman has decided he can no longer subsist on a liquid diet (possibly hooker blood) and is going to resume eating solid food again against doctors orders. As a result he’s been informed that he has less than 6 months to live. To this day he continues to have night terrors involving hot dogs raping him and his mother at gun point. Sources say he has been hallucinating a racist piece of pumpernickel bread following him around town shouting racial epitaphs at him while he shops.

I for one am very saddened by this news. To me Man VS Food was an American Classic and Adam Richman was an American hero (except for when he was killing the hookers). All we can hope for is that he finds peace in his final days before he passes away and moves on to the big all you can eat buffet in the sky.