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Hey Porkers! Updates, NOW!

0 Comments | This entry was posted on May 16 2013

Listen up, you miserable bags of human waste! After months of extensive research, millions of dollars shelled out to off shore companies, and way too many late nights searching for soft-core porn that doesn’t waste our time with endless plot setup, we have finally implemented an easy way to check out the various articles written by your beloved Joe and Frank! We realized what a pain in the ass it must be to click “older entries” ten thousand times to get to the older articles. And we realized that our demographic panders to a very lazy audience, you. You people are way too apathetic and sedentary to spend time scrolling to the stuff from the past. So, you probably just don’t do it. Understandable. You guys need to spend that valuable time shooting heroin and checking out your online sex offender registrations. It’s because of that laziness that we have put a new tab into the sidebar on the left side of the page! It’s labeled as “Our Articles” and now by clicking on that tab you have immediate access to the (literally) 100 articles we have written since 2010! Damn yo, we are prolific. All the articles are listed there as links that take you straight to the article with one click of the mouse! It also shows you who wrote the article and when it was published. So check out those older articles that you’ve forgotten about! And check out the ones you might have never known existed because you don’t look at this page as frequently as you should even though you promised. Jerks…

The average DeadAirFM fan.

Update number two! We are down to the final five Morning Sickness shows that need to be posted on this site. Up to this point 19 amazing programs have been uploaded for your listening pleasure and it’s been a great experience getting to relive these shows. We have done a lot of radio, but we really hit our stride with Morning Sickness. It’s easily been some of the best stuff we have produced and we’re ecstatic that we have been able to share them with you. Five more left, starting this Monday the countdown begins. But don’t ball your fucking eyes out just yet, because we definitely have plans for future shows down the line. Morning Sickness might be coming to an end, but Radio LIVE! will live forever. Check out the homepage this Monday, as well as the following four Mondays for the last few Morning Sickness shows! And check out the Morning Sickness tab on the left side of the site for EVERY Morning Sickness we have produced and archived! Help us get more than six hits a year on this site! Help DeadAirFM reign supreme!

All my girlfriends end up like this halfway through sex.

The Book of Job: Redux

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Jan 28 2013
On the Christmas episode of Radio LIVE!, Joe and Frank revisited their hit segment, “Joe and Frank Rewrite The Bible”! We take stories from the Bible and give them a little tweaking. A new age spin on the mundane olden days. Let’s face it, the Bible is a real snooze-fest. When Jesus Christ told his Apostles to write a riveting account of his life that could be used as a guideline for the way people should live their lives, he did NOT have that in mind. Jesus wanted something a little more Fight Club and a little less The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I guess you could say Joe and Frank are doing God’s work. No seriously, say it. And say it sexy.
In case you don’t look at the author of each posted article, the words you’re about to read are that of Joe. I chose to rewrite the Book of Job. Check it out, sluts!

REWRITE THE BIBLE – The Book of Job: Redux

With the Redux, it probably is too long... The Bible is too long.

Preface: At the end of the story, it claims that Job is restored to full health and given a new family and twice as many livestock. That isn’t the case. God fearing marauders found The Book of Job and added those parts to make God look better. They also tore out the second book, The Book of Job: Redux. It tells of the next chapter in Job’s life. That is what you will hear today.

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Job’s friends had never seen that look on his face before. Sure, they were frightened, but they knew Job’s wrath would be wrought upon God, and God alone. Job only had the three friends, because he wasn’t very well endowed. Their names were Buster, Hotdog, and Chompers. Chompers was the only one with any balls, having won their county’s Ape Fight four years running, so naturally he approached Job first.

“Hey pal, shit happens, right?” consoles Chompers. “ There’s no need to cry about it and sit here in the rubble of your former house in silence for like a week, surrounded by the corpses of your dead children.” Chompers was never good with words. He had been left back a few times, but loved chomping on things. Chompers began to chomp on the ankle of one of Job’s dead daughters. You know, to get a smile out of that guy. Job was bringing everyone down. I’m not sure which daughter it was… I think it was the one Job loved the most. Anyhoo, Job proceeds to freak the fuck out. He rips the decaying limb out of Chompers’ mouth, cries hysterically for about eight seconds, and then clocks Chompers in the temple with a brick. Chompers bleeds out quickly. Buster and Hotdog had barely processed what they had just seen and before they knew it Job was murdering them. Once murdered, Job collected himself. He decided to check on his wife. She had enormous breasts and never talked back. So seeing her would surely cheer him up. But she killed herself. She ate dirt until she died. The ratio between dirt and what’s supposed to be in your body was 5:1.

It was four in the morning and the tears are pouring, and I want to make it worth the fight. What have we been doing for all this time? Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on and let’s do it right. Once Job finished singing Gwen Stefani in his head, he threw his grappling hook toward the roof of God’s condo. He began to scale the façade. God had vicariously taken everything from him because of that bet with Satan. Job was going to make him regret it. Once upon the balcony, Job tossed a hand grenade off the ledge which landed in God’s convertible Miata. The explosion set off the security alarms. Job made his way into the living room and immediately saw the guard dogs charging toward him. Another hand grenade blew almost all the dogs to pieces, but one made it out alive. It clamped down on Job’s forearm and began draining the life out of him. God was standing in the doorway. “That’s it Chompers! I trained all these dogs to drink blood!” screamed God. “Hey, I used to have a friend named Chompers. I hated that guy,” said Job. And with that, Job tore the dog in half with his bare hands. Job was known to use human growth hormone, so this wasn’t a huge stretch.

If you ever stop thinking Gwen Stefani’s music is good, she gets the band back together to prove you wrong. Hey, that ONE guy! Whoever you are, thanks a lot…

“Oh snap! I gotta cheese it!” yelled God, who started making an escape through his convoluted hallways. Job chased him down with ease, since he was also an amphetamine addict. Job managed to push God from behind, sending him spiraling over an ottoman and into the wall. God looked up at Job. “You wouldn’t hit an old man, would you?” asked God. Job took out a twelve inch serrated blade. “I’m going to enjoy this,” he said. Suddenly, Satan walked through the front door holding grocery bags. “Honey, what’s going on here?” asked Satan, who didn’t need this first thing walking through the door. “Honey?” said Job. That’s when he started looking around the room. Everywhere were pictures of God and Satan; holding hands, giving each backrubs, having sex. It was clear to Job now. That’s why God’s relationship status on Facebook was “it’s complicated.” They were lovers. And probably exhibitionists, too, because the framed pictures of them having rough sex were literally everywhere. Satan walked over to Job and hit him over the head with the bag of groceries. “Now you leave him alone right this second, Mr. Man!” said Satan. Satan helped God to his feet. “Are we going to finish the game tonight, babe?” asked Satan. “What game?” demanded Job. God eyes left Job and moved to the coffee table.

Job walked to the coffee table and found a board game in progress. The center of the game board said “Job’s Life.” Job’s eyes began to water. “It’s kind of like Yahtzee,” started Satan. “But instead of rolling dice, we ruin your fucking life.” Tears were streaming down Job’s face. The knife dropped out of his hand. His whole life was a game to these deities. His wife, his children, his land… All of it was ripped from him because these two needed something to entertain themselves between penetrating each other. Then there was a warmth. Job looked down to see the growing red stain on his stomach. He turned around to see God holding a silenced pistol. Another shot. Then another. Job’s chest was covered in bullet holes. With his last breath, he cursed The Hasbro Brothers. Then he dropped to the floor, dead. Satan placed both hands on his hips. “You cheated! I was about to land on Free Parking and everything!” screeched Satan. God gave Satan a backhand across the mouth. “Why can’t you be more like Job’s dead wife and never talk back?” asked God. Satan began to weep. “And maybe I’ll get big fake breasts like that bitch, too!” screamed Satan, who ran into the bathroom and locked the door. God sighed and tossed Job’s body into the burning fireplace.

I can’t even win at a simulated version of Life…

THE END

Radio LIVE! – 2012 Christmas Special

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Dec 25 2012

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Here it is, you little Christmas bitches. We’re back for the first time in almost two years with a brand spanking new show. On this very special episode we rewrite your favorite stories from The Bible with a modern edge that would make Bad Santa look like A Miracle on 34th Street. We scored an exclusive interview with the one and only Osama Bin Laden to talk about his upcoming film Zero Dark Thirty. We spoke to Black Jesus about Django Unchained, the true meaning of Christmas, and what this favorite illegal drugs and sexual positions are. And we can’t forget to mention how we interviewed Phil about how he masturbates to Taylor Swift and whether his habit is becoming dangerous for himself… and her. Also, 10 shocking things you didn’t know about Santa! It turns out he’s a pretty sick guy. This is our Christmas gift to the world. Come unwrap your presents you little Christmas goblins.

Frank's New Furby... End of joke.

RadioLIVE! Classic: Third Mic Attack Ads!

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Mar 15 2011

As the race for RadioLIVE!’s third mic position heated up so did the political style attack ads the the competitors released. Let us remember these vicious and cut throat ads. Enjoy.

Kevin attack ad

Melissa Attack Ad

Greg attack ad

Ryan Attack Ad

Letter of Correspondence: Jesse James

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Feb 24 2011

**This letter of correspondence was originally read on a previous episode of Radio LIVE!

Dear Jesse James,

You do realize you make motorcycles, right? I say this condescendingly because what you are doing with your life makes no difference to society. The only people you are helping are meat-head thugs in motorcycle gangs. Oh, don’t forget the professional athletes that can not resist riding motorcycles and ruining their careers. By the way asshole, thanks for almost killing Ben Roethlisberger. It’s a good thing Big Ben is more of a man than you’ll ever be. You have some nerve being quoted saying, “2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend”. Know who’s 2010 wasn’t so great? Sandra Bullock. You remember her, right? Your ex-wife that you cheated on while you two were still married. Interesting timeline here… In March 2010, the initial scandal arose when several women claimed to have had affairs with you during your marriage. On April 28, 2010 Sandra filed for divorce. The divorce was finalized on June 28, 2010. And then not only two months after that Kat Von D announced that you two were dating. Jesse James, you are about as classy as a child molester who tries to convince people that the kids are in love with him. Please, immediately kill yourself.

There should be a national holiday where Jesse James tours the country and people line up to punch him in the face.

And Kat Von D? Besides the fact that she’s literally covered in tattoos to the point where there’s no visible skin left, she must also be dumb as a bag of dirt. Does she even realize you’ve been divorced three times now? Face it James, you are incapable of love. You’re simply destined to die alone. And when you’re gone, no one will remember your stupid motorcycle business. People will hear your name and think of the outlaw from the wild, wild west. That guy killed people without remorse and I still respect him more than you. Sandra Bullock is an award winning actress and director. You’re going to follow her up with the bitch on LA Ink? Wow, the legacy of Jesse James just continues to grow, doesn’t it? The only thing I won’t to see grow is a malignant tumor in your brain.

Rumor is... She has a tattoo of a vagina ON her vagina.

And Sandra Bullock is the sweetest woman. Not only was she the famed star of Miss Congeniality: Armed and Fabulous, but she really helped put George Lopez on the map by producing The George Lopez Show. I’m almost glad you broke her heart because you don’t deserve her! You deserve a tattooed piece of gutter trash like Kat Von D. You deserve to have both your legs amputated so that you can never again ride your precious motorcycles. You deserve to have a penis tattooed on your face so people forever know how much of a dick you are because only a dick tearfully apologizes in public about his infidelities and goes to rehab to work on his marriage, only to get engaged to some new whore months later. You are human garbage. Too bad you weren’t in Arizona for the shootings because even a psychopath like Jared Loughner would have recognized the need to eradicate you from the planet.

Miss Congeniality would have ripped James' dick right off!

Love, Joe

10 Things I Hate About Courtney Cox

9 Comments | This entry was posted on Jan 20 2011

**On the 12/20/10 episode of Radio LIVE!, Joe reads this poem live on the air to Courtney Cox and the world. It was written in response to David Arquette (whose heart is still broken from the separation from Cox) admitting he’s been drinking heavily and would soon enter rehab.**


I hate the way you broke David’s heart and don’t even care,

I hate how to belittle David in public when he wants to play truth or dare.

I hate that you probably won’t suck David’s dick and humbly make amends,

I hate how it took you so long to bang Jon Favreau’s character in Friends.

I hate that you didn’t see Eight Legged Freaks and I hate that you’ve driven David to drink,

I hate that you tease him with your sexual techniques and I hate that you challenge him to think.

I hate how you think you’re so damn hot and such a goddamn catch,

Don’t you realize how easy it will be for David to replace your dried up snatch?

I hate the way you never deserved him because you’re just a filthy flirt,

Just so you know they’ll cancel Cougar Town just as quickly as they canceled Dirt.

I guess it was all a lie, huh bitch?