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Native Americans Took One For The Team

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Nov 26 2014

Originally Posted November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving is once again upon us and we all have one thing we can unanimously be thankful for, and that’s Christopher Columbus’ slaying of the Native American people. Yes, I realize this is more of a Columbus Day topic rather than a Thanksgiving one, but I feel they can go hand in hand. When Columbus strolled across the ocean to discover America he knew exactly what his intentions were and there was nothing wrong with what transpired during that time. I know there are plenty of haters out there who refuse to celebrate Columbus Day… “Why should we celebrate the slaughter and genocide of the Native American people? Columbus was the Devil and I desperately need something to complain about today because I’m a liberal bitch.”

Umm, why not? That’s what America is all about, motherfuckers! Showing off our dominance over another culture by any means necessary. When it came to discovering America, well, those people were asking for it. And now, for your Thanksgiving pleasure, I will re-tell the story of it’s origins…

SOME OCEAN, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 1492 – 1502 (details are irrelevant)

Christopher Columbus, drunk on power and Captain Morgan’s spiced rum was leading his crew towards The New World. His ships consisted of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Sofia Vergara (holy shit, HOT). Land was reportedly first spotted by deckhand Rodrigo de Triana, but that didn’t sit too well with Columbus, a man who loved credit almost as much as he loved rough sex. Triana was immediately shot executioner style and no one on that ship questioned it. The crew congratulated Columbus and marveled at his impressive eye sight.

If that boat's a rockin'...they're having sex.

Columbus’ crew arrived on the new land and was instantly blown away by the intoxicating scent of freedom. Columbus climbed atop a large boulder and screamed like mighty Thor, “I declare this land, the United States of America!” Everyone was in high spirits until the Native Americans showed up. The leader of the tribe, Chief Who-Gives-a-Shit, approached Columbus with some stupid feather hat thing. “Welcome, please accept this stupid feather hat as a peace offering”, said the Chief. “You may have our land since we are losers.” Columbus spit directly in the face of the Chief before slapping that weak-ass hat out of his hands and on to the ground. Columbus wrapped the Chief up in a full nelson before breaking his neck. Then he took a healthy bite out of the Chief’s neck and drank some of his blood. The rest of the tribe reverted back to the animals they’ve always been after seeing their leader thoroughly humiliated. They began to eat dirt and chant, but Columbus was having none of that shit. He took out his last hand grenade, kissed it provocatively, and hurled death upon the Natives. As body parts rained down on the vital crew a rumbling could be heard…

That’s when Columbus noticed the large ant hills that suddenly surrounded his men. Out of the dirt mounds crawled more Native Americans from their underground cesspool. They walked on all fours and their teeth were razor sharp. Two of the Native Americans snuck up behind Todd Columbus, Christopher’s brother, and attacked him. The Native animals thrust their talons through Todd’s chest and tore out his beating heart. With Todd’s last ounce of strength he looked at his brother and said, “You were an incredible brother and you deserve greatness. God Bless America.” Todd dropped to his knees and one of the Natives used it’s lizard tongue to pluck out Todd’s eyes and swallowed them whole. Columbus had to turn away when the other Native slithered into Todd’s body through his rectum and started walking around in the skin. Columbus, angrier than he’s ever been, turned decisively to the ugliest of the Native Americans and screamed, “What do you want from us?!” The hideous monster’s eyes were black and it muttered, “We want your souls. This is our land.” Tears streamed down Columbus’ cheeks as he watched the Native wearing Todd’s skin mating with four of it’s disgusting brethren. Columbus turned to face the creature and screamed, “Well, it’s just been revoked!” Ice Man, Columbus’ first mate tossed a sawed off shotgun to his Captain. “It’s hammer time!”, declared Ice Man. Shotgun blasts were heard throughout the land and unintentionally summoned every single Native American to the surface and out of their lairs. Columbus and his violent crew spent the next three days straight slaughtering the Native scourge.

A Native American crawling out of it's ant hill.

When the war was over Columbus and his crew were exhausted and covered in blood that was the darkest and most immoral red you’ve ever seen. “Well, this shirt is ruined”, said Columbus. Ice Man limped up to Columbus’ side and coughed up some bile. “We should call this part of the country Washington D.C.”, suggested Ice Man. “What does the D.C. stand for?”, asked Columbus. Ice Man, with the most sadistic smile on his face, said, ” Dead cunts”. Columbus chuckled, but it was obviously a pity laugh since Columbus didn’t care much for that word, let alone Ice Man’s sometimes misogynistic and inappropriate humor. That’s when Columbus noticed the severe wound on Ice Man’s leg. Columbus looked up and said, “You’ve been bit…”. “Ain’t no thang but a chicken wing, Chris. I’ll be alright.” Columbus wiped his eyes once again. He hadn’t cried this much since the season finale of Friends. “We can not let it spread…”, whispered Columbus.

They have Columbus' bloodstained puffy shirt displayed at the Smithsonian. It was the original inspiration for the Seinfeld episode.

That night Christopher Columbus buried both his brother and best friend in the newly emancipated soil. Another success, but at what cost? At the very least, Columbus knew there was finally nothing left to worry about.

…but he didn’t notice the eggs that laid within the brush near the graves. He didn’t notice any of the eggs that were scattered throughout the new land…

1600: EXACT LOCATIONS UNKNOWN

In the year 1600, the eggs hatched. Hundreds of them. The Native Americans crawled out of there shells and back underground to plan their next attack. They would stay underground for the next twenty-one years. While underground, they studied human culture and adapted their movements and personalities. And waited…

1621: PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS

The inaugural Thanksgiving was currently taking place. The Pilgrims of Plymouth Rock were initially suspicious and paranoid of the Native Americans (as was the nature of Americans), but eventually said “fuck it” and had dinner with them. The Native Americans seemed to really understand the concept of sharing and humanity. The Pilgrims were pretty impressed. The only thing that seemed somewhat off was their movement. It seemed stiff and rehearsed. Not to mention now and then their knees would bend the opposite way… Other than that though, pretty decent people. Or so they thought…?

The Native Americans had been planning this attack for years. The corn, or “maiz” they brought to that meal was coated thickly with the liquid cancer that the Native Americans secreted out of their pores. However, the Native Americans didn’t take into account that Americans hate vegetables. We’re all about meat, baby! The Pilgrims wouldn’t even consider that shit. I mean, they were polite about it and all… “Oh…corn. You guys shouldn’t have…”, said Pilgrim #1. Something else the Native Americans didn’t expect was how much the Pilgrims loved killing their own turkey. There must have been thirty to forty turkeys roaming the field in which they ate and when the dinner bell finally rang everyone went into their bloodlust. Pilgrims started slitting turkey throats left and right. Their children were kicking and stomping turkeys to death by the bunch. One Pilgrim thought it’d be hilarious if he ate the turkey live (and it totally was!). The Native Americans being a “people” that loved nature and prayed to stupid animal spirits were enraged. It was as if they were Schindler during some kind of turkey holocaust.

Now this is my kind of PILGRIM!

The Native Americans were so infuriated by the disrespect the Americans had for their animal friends that they began to shed their skins to reveal their reptilian scales. The Americans didn’t seem to notice though, because everyone got such an intense sexual thrill from stomping turkeys to death (even the children) that they started having sex and smoking cigarettes (even the children). The Native Americans have never had to deal with the smell of cigarette smoke and love musk before and immediately began choking to death. Half of the Americans saw them choking and rushed over to pat them on their backs, but patted too hard and broke most of their spines while still blowing smoke directly into their faces. The other half of the Pilgrims were really turned on by the dying Native Americans and started having sex more aggressively. After the meal the Pilgrims burned all the Native American bodies in the bonfire, said what they were thankful for, got drunk, and fell asleep in the field (most of whom were still inside one another).

PRESENT DAY

And the traditions we learned at that first Thanksgiving are still in place today. Traditions like xenophobia and bigotry are values that we’ll one day teach our children at their Thanksgivings. So, when you’re eating dinner with your family and friends tonight, be sure to acknowledge the brave individuals that made this day possible. Give thanks to Christopher Columbus and the Pilgrims for overcoming their obstacles and making this country and this day great. Oh, and if you don’t think what Columbus did was right, well…THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY AMERICA.

Gobble Gobble!

Happy Thanksgiving!

In The Wake Of The Aaron Hernandez Fiasco, Patriots Sign Free Agent Tight End George Zimmerman

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Jul 10 2013

With the 2013-2014 NFL season quickly approaching like an escaped rabid coyote from my loosely fortified coyote ranch, the New England Patriots have some holes to fill in their roster if they intend to remain a contender for the sport’s highest honor. Just like the arrogant and smug New York Yankees, the Patriots not only feel they deserve an NFL championship every year, but that they are entitled to it. And if they are to make such an outrageous claim this year, they will need to fill the void at tight end. With Rob Gronkowski’s season in doubt after his two hundredth surgery in the past month, and Aaron Hernandez being charged with murdering his friend, Odin Lloyd, the Patriots will have to look into free agency to address the lack of depth at tight end. And the only logical choice is to sign George Zimmerman. Sure, Zimmerman has had a tumultuous career, but I think he’s just the veteran presence New England needs to light a fire under their offense and take them straight to Hell… err, I mean, a Super Bowl. The Patriots are no strangers to having killers on their team after all. Aaron Hernandez is a best friend killer, Tom Brady is a lady killer… With all these chickens in the pot, the cluck stops here: The New England Patriots will once again be World Champions.

Do you really think this media darling is capable of murder? Well, sure he is! That's actually a pre-requisite for playing in the NFL.

But maybe they don’t have to sign Zimmerman? A high profile player of his caliber will surely demand a huge signing bonus, along with an annual salary that will push the team close to the cap every year while he’s on the roster. With Gronko poised to never play again (he just had another surgery while I wrote that last sentence), the Pats should just stick with Hernandez. “Uh, but Joe, that guy is probably going to prison! What the Don DeLillo are you talking about?” asks the uneducated and sexually inadequate reader. Guys, come on, that dude is not going to prison. He plays football in the NFL. That’s the National Football League. And this is only his first murder. He needs at least five more DUI’s, three more drug possession charges, and a rape before this guy is even considered a backup tight end, let alone a felon. Football is the only thing that matters in this country and if it’s one thing we’ve learned over the years, it’s that America doesn’t care what you do off the field, as long as you bring it on the field (e.g. Ray Lewis, Ben Roethlisberger, Donte Stallworth, etc). Unless you were around people that killed dogs or shot yourself in the leg (e.g. Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress). In those cases the public will relentlessly turn on you… Dogs trump people in our world.

That being said, why hasn’t this whole Aaron Hernandez thing been dropped yet? He had almost 1,000 receiving yards in 2011, let it go. Hernandez was going to have a breakout year and now because some whiny family can’t just collect their “keep quiet money” and move on, the Patriots’ season is in jeopardy. What’s become of this world? People used to care about the important things, like when professional athletes could kill whoever they wanted without any repercussions. Well, I’m here to set the record straight. Because there’s something you people don’t know. There’s something the world doesn’t know. Aaron Hernandez and Odin Lloyd are close personal friends of mine, and I was there the night that he died. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I’m not in the NFL, so I didn’t think I could get away with it, you know? But now I see that the highest stature a person can reach in this country means nothing anymore. It’s time that the truth was heard. Did Aaron Hernandez murder Odin Lloyd? You bet he did. But Odin was being a real asshole that night and kind of had it coming. This is how I remember it…

The three of us were out living the dream. We were celebrating Gronkowski’s latest surgery. Now the path was clear for Hernandez to be the Patriots’ starting tight end. “This feels incredible,” started Aaron. “Like I’m riding a unicorn across a rainbow.” Aaron would always get overly poetic when drunk. “Yeah man, shits tight,” I replied. We started doing body shots off of huge breasted women. We were getting countless underage groupies pregnant in bathroom stalls. We were shooting each other in the legs with unregistered handguns and drowning dogs in buckets of water. There was no telling how high our star would rise. But then Odin started up with that heroin shit again, and anytime he started up with that heroin shit, shit just got cray. In case you people don’t know, Odin was dating the sister of Aaron’s fiancée. Aaron loved his girl and would do anything for her. And she was never thrilled with her sister dating such a lowlife like Odin. Anyway, Odin starts shooting heroin into his neck and dick. Like, right down his urethra. It was intense. The nightclub pretty much stopped dead in it’s tracks. The DJ stopped the music, it was completely silent. Everyone was staring at Odin as he carefully placed the needle into the tip of his dick. The only thing audible  was the heavy panting of Odin himself. It was really uncool, we go to that club all the time.

Needless to say, the bouncer asked us politely to leave. The bouncer (another mutual friend between the three of us), was practically in tears having to ask two of his best pals and Odin to leave the club that he’s built his reputation on. Odin didn’t take getting thrown out well. He was constantly being thrown out of places for his raucous, horrible behavior. This was the hamburger that broke the turtle’s back. He spit right in the bouncer’s face, which was like, so dick. He wiped away the spit, but not without some tears. Breaking his tough guy character, the owner of the club had no choice but to fire him. We loved that guy. He always carded us before we entered the bar. It made us feel young and he knew that. The next bouncer would probably wave us right through, making us feel old and decrepit. But these were not the thoughts that went through Odin’s head. He only had one thing left on his mind. “Come on, guys. I want to go back to Aaron’s house and bang out his fiancée,” said Odin. Odin wanted to cheat on his own girlfriend (Aaron’s fiancée’s sister) by banging Aaron’s fiancée (his girlfriend’s sister). It was pretty much the worst thing he could have said to us. And when he said it, he was making direct eye contact with Aaron. It’s like he didn’t even care!

We decided to walk back to Aaron’s house since we were all too intoxicated to operate a motor vehicle. We spent the majority of that walk trying to talk Odin out of his plans to ruin the lives and relationships of all these people. This stuff was hard to keep track of and wrap your head around. Odin wouldn’t listen. “Hey Aaron, would it be alright if I had both your fiancée and my girlfriend at the same time? You know, like sexually?” Odin asked. Aaron and I assumed it was a rhetorical question, but Odin seemed to be waiting for an answer. I could see Aaron getting angrier and angrier. He was clenching his five year chip he received from completing anger management so hard I thought it would diffuse through his skin and enter his bloodstream. And then it did diffuse through his skin and entered his bloodstream! That’s when I knew I had very little time to pacify this situation before Aaron lost his cool. “Hey Odin, why don’t you cut it out, man,” I said, even doing the hand gesture Dave Coulier used to make on Full House. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to cool out…” Odin started. “I’m going to cool out Aaron’s fiancées stomach… with uh, my semen… ‘cause um, the stomach is acidic and my semen… is, uh… basic. And that’ll neutralize…” Odin trailed off. Odin got phenomenally bad grades in chemistry, I don’t know where the guy was going with that shit. He was probably insinuating that she would swallow his load or something, but like, shut up man. That’s when Aaron had enough. He walked across the street to the 24-hour gun store, applied for a pistol license, selected the appropriate firearm for a beginner, waited for the necessary background checks to be completed, registered the firearm, walked back across the street, and shot Odin in his fat fucking face. “Oh snap!” I started. “We better get rid of this body.” Aaron shrugged. “Nah, let’s just leave it right here with a bunch of evidence that incriminates me, then go back to my house and destroy my home security system.” I didn’t question it, he was the professional.

Aaron Hernandez only killed Odin Lloyd when he had no other options. We tried reasoning with him, but all Odin wanted to do was cheat on his girlfriend and defile Aaron’s fiancée. It was wack. Should Aaron Hernandez have to go to prison to pay for the murder of a monster? Yeah, probably. But let’s just make it during the off-season, because that dude has got a championship to win. But if our corrupt legal system decides that Hernandez must pay for his crimes, then George Zimmerman is just the next logical choice for the Patriots. Oh, and as for George Zimmerman’s trial, well, let’s just say that guy is just white (ish) enough to get away with it and play football.

Oh, gross... This guy is really fat. Scratch that, this guy is going to prison. Fat guys go to prison.

Morning Sickness – April 11, 2011

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Jun 10 2013

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Tons of bullshit to talk about today! Joe and Frank Commentary! Executive Perks! Music News! Celebrity Dogs! Fantasy Baseball Stress! Celebrity Apprentice! But the real story is that Frank is furious that Kevin tutors him in math while high on drugs. Don’t miss it!

This is exactly what Kevin looked like during those tutoring sessions.

Morning Sickness – April 6, 2011

0 Comments | This entry was posted on Jun 03 2013

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The opening commentary goes on and on about how Frank can’t stand Joe’s farting at the table whenever they go out to eat with friends. We discuss whether or not Gandhi was bisexual. Spoiler Alert – We discuss what happens on Celebrity Apprentice (from two years ago). I think we finally get to that damn ATT merger segment… Music News! Also, we talk about that new stupid Superman movie.

Frank is convinced this is how I act when it happens.

Morning Sickness – April 4, 2011

0 Comments | This entry was posted on May 28 2013

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Oh baby! Yeah, we better abort that baby… Anyway, check out the traffic laws we talk about today, including the revisions we’ve made along with their respective punishments. Lois Lane is cast for the new Superman movie, but Joe and Frank have some better ideas. Real Celebrity Names is another segment on today’s docket. Plus, we try and get to ATT mergers… AGAIN!

I think the girl from "Precious" should have been the new Lois Lane. But I don't think even special effects could convince an audience that Henry Cavill could lift her.

Morning Sickness – March 30, 2011

0 Comments | This entry was posted on May 20 2013

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This morning Frank gets into some real Facebook trouble after posting about his affinity for rape jokes. Joe and Frank Commentary runs rampant throughout the show, specifically regarding Elizabeth Taylor’s recent death! We take another shot at Frank Psychiatrist, the segment Frank claims doesn’t exist! Plus, we get an exclusive in-studio interview with hip-hop star, Chris Brown. We take another shot at getting to the ATT merger bit we’ve been promising since last show. It’s gonna we wet and wild!

Special Guest Third Mic: Greg

"I might never get to hit Rihanna in the face again." - Chris Brown, People Magazine

Hey Porkers! Updates, NOW!

0 Comments | This entry was posted on May 16 2013

Listen up, you miserable bags of human waste! After months of extensive research, millions of dollars shelled out to off shore companies, and way too many late nights searching for soft-core porn that doesn’t waste our time with endless plot setup, we have finally implemented an easy way to check out the various articles written by your beloved Joe and Frank! We realized what a pain in the ass it must be to click “older entries” ten thousand times to get to the older articles. And we realized that our demographic panders to a very lazy audience, you. You people are way too apathetic and sedentary to spend time scrolling to the stuff from the past. So, you probably just don’t do it. Understandable. You guys need to spend that valuable time shooting heroin and checking out your online sex offender registrations. It’s because of that laziness that we have put a new tab into the sidebar on the left side of the page! It’s labeled as “Our Articles” and now by clicking on that tab you have immediate access to the (literally) 100 articles we have written since 2010! Damn yo, we are prolific. All the articles are listed there as links that take you straight to the article with one click of the mouse! It also shows you who wrote the article and when it was published. So check out those older articles that you’ve forgotten about! And check out the ones you might have never known existed because you don’t look at this page as frequently as you should even though you promised. Jerks…

The average DeadAirFM fan.

Update number two! We are down to the final five Morning Sickness shows that need to be posted on this site. Up to this point 19 amazing programs have been uploaded for your listening pleasure and it’s been a great experience getting to relive these shows. We have done a lot of radio, but we really hit our stride with Morning Sickness. It’s easily been some of the best stuff we have produced and we’re ecstatic that we have been able to share them with you. Five more left, starting this Monday the countdown begins. But don’t ball your fucking eyes out just yet, because we definitely have plans for future shows down the line. Morning Sickness might be coming to an end, but Radio LIVE! will live forever. Check out the homepage this Monday, as well as the following four Mondays for the last few Morning Sickness shows! And check out the Morning Sickness tab on the left side of the site for EVERY Morning Sickness we have produced and archived! Help us get more than six hits a year on this site! Help DeadAirFM reign supreme!

All my girlfriends end up like this halfway through sex.